Ed the Handy Man
by Muten Azuki
Summary: I want to prove that Ed can have more jobs than Mario, Peter Griffin, and the stereotypical illegal immigrant. This is crack! Flames Welcome.
1. Male stripper

**Ed the Male Stripper**

Ed: So uhh...I'm here for the lucky lady

Bacholerette: You're the male stripper?

Girl: When I called, they said that they would let us try out their new employee.

Bacholerette: Isn't he...a little short

Girl: He's probably small...If you know what I mean

Ed: I'll have you know that this is every stupid fangirl's dream

Girl 2: I bet he's gay

Ed: WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO GAY THAT THEY DISERVE TO BE IN A ROYED YAOI FANFIC?


	2. Car salesman

**Ed the Used Car Salesman**

Ed: So do you have any idea of what you are looking for?

Person: Ummm...

Ed: No? Figures. How about a used 2003 Toyota Prius?

Person: Ummm...Aren't they a little small?

Ed: I will pretend that I didn't hear that. No it's only small when comparing it to a Dodge Ram 3500. Speaking of which, would you like a red one?

Person: Ummm...uhhh...Aren't they like...short on miles per gallon of gas?

Ed: Once again I'll dismiss 'that' word. How about a 1959 Camaro Z28? Only 7,000.

Person: That price is way too high for my budget. I'm kinda short on cash.

Ed: WHO ARE YOU CALLING SMALLER THAN THE AMOUNT OF FOOD THAT A MCDONALDS' KIDS MEAL HAS?

Person: Uhhh...Yeah...I think I'll look somewhere else.

Ed's Boss: Edward! That is the twenty-forth customer in a row. Thanks to you my profits are at an old time low. YOU'RE FIRED!!

Ed: Low! Low! What are you going to call me next midget, shorty, shrimp?!


	3. Door salesman

**Ed the Door to Door Salesman**

Ed: (Rings doorbell)

Old Man: Who is it? Could you take a step back? I can't see you through the peephole.

Ed: I'm trying to sell you this Kirby vacuum, so could you open the door you old fart

Old Man: I don't want to buy anything. Now get off of my lawn

Ed: Well fine then. I'll just come back in a hour and leave all of my free flyers on your doorstep

Old Man: If you do that I'll call the cops on ya.

Ed: Heh. It'd probably take you all night to get to your phone

Old Man: If I had my walker, I swear to god that I'd

Ed: You'd what? Force me to drink all of your prune juice. See ya in an hour.


	4. Phone Sex

**Ed the phone sex guy**

Chick: What color hair do you have?

Ed: It's kinda golden

Chick: What color eyes?

Ed: Uh...kinda goldenish

Chick: Tell me that I'm sexy

Ed: Uhhh...I thought old men without girlfriends were the only ones who did this

Chick: You still haven't said it

Ed: Your sexy...

Chick: Have more enthusiasm

Ed: Umm...okay...you are soooo sexy

Chick: What color is your g-string

Ed: I'm not wearing a g...who is this? Your voice sounds oddly familiar.

Chick: Uhh...bye Ed

Ed: Was that...Winry?! Ughh...I'm gonna go hang myself now


	5. Fry Cook

**Ed the Fry Cook**

Customer: WHAT IS THIS? YOU TRIED TO SELL ME A FRIED BOOT!

Employee: Hey don't yell at me, I just clean up the tables. Go talk to our manager.

Manager: You aren't yelling at the customers again are you Bob?

Customer: No. One of YOUR employees decided that they would play a prank on me.

Manager: What do you mean?

Customer: Your cook gave me a fried boot instead of the double meat cheeseburger that I ordered

Manager: Ed! Come over here!

Ed: You don't have to yell. What do you want?

Manager: You served a customer a Fried Boot?!

Ed: We were out of beef.

Manager: But why a boot?

Ed: Leather goods are edible

Customer: I want my cheeseburger

Ed: Will you shut up? We still have salads. That should be the only thing that your eating, Fatty.


	6. Athletic Trainer

_**I'm planning on having ed work at least 50 jobs. So if you review please help in the idea process. Flame Away!**_

**Ed the Athletic Trainer**

Ed: Come on! You've only done two reps, and you're quiting now?

Phat Man: I can't do it...my arms feel like grape jelly.

Ed: Yeah, and I bet you ate that jelly about an hour ago. Keep lifting those weights.

Phat Lady: I have a question.

Ed: What?

Phat Lady: Should I speed up the treadmill?

Ed: No. If you do that all of your junk is going to start flopping, and we don't want to see that.

Phat Man: Ahhh! Help, help, help. I'm gunna' drop this thing!

Ed: You're only lifting 5 pounds. Now get off of your elefantine ***, and get to work!

Phat Man: I think I'm gunn- (Vomits all over the place)

Ed: Ewww...Can someone get a mop?


	7. Ninja Sensei

**Ed the Ninja Sensei (It was an occupation at one time)**

Ed: You call THAT a kage bunshin!?

Early Shippuden Naruto: What are you talking about, I learned this jutsu in the first episode (chapter...who really cares)

Ed: Well yeah, but after all of those pointless fillers you forgot how to do it properly.

Naruto: Who are you to tell me what I can and can't do?! I'll break your face teme...believe it!

Ed: (After beating Naruto around like a newborn baby) I beter see some real progress real soon!

Naruto: Yes Super Tall Sensei!


	8. Dairy tester

**Ed the Dairy Tester**

Ed: I'm here to uhh...test your dairy for falacies

Man with weird voice and twitch: Okay...here is some chocolate flavored milk

Ed: Ewww...(takes a sip)...Ewww that's soooo gross.

Man: So (twitch) does it meet expectations

Ed: Yeah, do you have a bucket

Man: Now for the plain 2%

Ed: Oh God...(sips very fast and attempts to not taste the horrid secretion)...ewww

Man: So?

Ed: (Puts thumb up) I think i'm going to hurl.

Man: Would you like a complementary (twitch) milkshake?

Ed: Do you have strawberry?

Man: Of course.

Ed: I'll take it!


	9. HipHop dancer

**Ed the Hip Hop Dancer**

Very flamboyant man: OMG. That is like, the third time all ready!

Other Man: You know our kind of dancing only looks good when we're n'sync. (yes that was intentional)

Very flamboyant man: Yeah, and you like are horrible. The way that you move, it's just akward looking.

Other Man: It's almost as if you have 20 extra pounds of steel in your left boot!

Ed: Well if you would have paid attention, I happen to have a steel protostetic.

Very flamboyant man: Wow, I like my men with nerves of steel.

Ed: Did you just hit on me?!


	10. MrSqueegie

**Ed the Squeegie Person on side of Highway**

Man: (Drives up to intersection, while singing to radio) I like that boom boom pow, Them chickens jackin' my style...

Ed: (Walks over towards car) I'm now going to wash your windshield with this old squeegie, whether you want me to or not. (Starts scraping dirty water over windshield)

Man: No, stop! I just got this washed!

Ed: Okay. Now that I washed your car without asking, I will be taking all of your loose change. Thank you.

Man: Sorry, but this is all for the toll road. Now move please, or I'll run you over.

Ed: (Flicks off the man while shouting a bunch of curse language) Oh well I'll get the next one.


	11. Intercom Operator

**Ed the Intercom Operator**

Ed: Welcome to unhealthy food that taste good, can I take your order?

Lady: Just a minute. BILLY, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO EAT? OKAY, WHAT ABOUT YOU JAKE? WILL YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF? (this cycle continues until she discovers that all 8 of her hethens want the same meal)

Ed: So, are you going to order or not?

Lady: Okay I'll take a midget burger with no pickles, another one with no mayo, another without ketchup, another without mustard, another without onions, another without buns, another without cheese, and another without meat. I'll have a salad.

Ed: What do you want to drink you midget hating buffoon?

Lady: 8 Sprites and a water.

Ed: Are the midget meals for boys or girls?

Lady: 7 boys and 1 girl.

Ed: Okay, your total is $37.50.

Lady: Can you repeat what I ordered.

Ed: I should really get paid more for this.


	12. Architecht

**Ed the Architect**

Architect 1: Okay so now we need to make a decision.

Architect 2: Okay.

Architect 1: Should we have an attic or a basement

Architect 2: I don't know.

Architect 3: Basements are cooler.

Architect 2: Yeah, I like basements

Ed: Hello. Does anyone have any brains around here?

Architect 1: What do you mean by that, intern Elric?

Ed: We are building houses in New Orleans!

Architect 1: And, your point is?

Ed: Does the word hurricane ring a bell?!

Architect 2: I still think we should build a basement.


	13. MangaKa

**Ed the Manga-ka**

Ed: Hey al, I have a great idea for my first series!

Al: What is it brother?

Ed: Okay...so there are two brothers. One brother is extremely tall, good looking, and smart. His younger brother is...decent. The younger brother was a big baby and tried to bring back his deceased mom. He lost his body, and now his awesome older brother is trying to get his body back. They have a douche of a superior, an annoying sister-like friend, a sperm-donor of a father, and their worst enemies are talking palm trees.

Al: Decent? I'm only decent?


	14. Mattress tester

**Ed as that guy who jumps on mattresses**

Ed: Wait you want me to jump on this bed?

Commercialist: Yup. While this gallon of hard liquor sits on the edge of the bed.

Ed: That sounds kinda stupid.

Commercialists: I want to prove that my specially designed mattress can be jumped on without causing this liquor to spill.

Ed: (Starts jumping) Like this? (Falls through mattress)

Commercialist: Kid, do you know what you've just done?!

Ed: Yeah, I jumped on the bed. Oh, and I fell through.

Commercialist: You just proved that my mattress works! The liquor didn't spill!


	15. Stand up comedian

**Ed the Stand****-****Up Comedian**

Announcer: And no for the shortest stand-up comedian in history! Put your hands together for Ed the cranky comedian!

Ed: WHO ARE YOU CALLING SMALLER THAN ROY MUSTANG'S BRAIN?!

Crowd: hahahahha...ha

Man in Crowd: I thought he was a STAND UP comedian

Ed: WHO ARE YOU CALLING SHORTER THAN THE ATTENTION SPAN OF A 5 YEAR OLD A.D.D. INFLICTED CHILD


	16. stunt double

**Ed the Stunt-Double**

Director: Ok, so in this scene the main protagonist will get in a fight with his worst enemy.

Ed: And you want me to act as the fighter?

Director: Yup. We don't want our main actor getting hurt.

Ed: Who's your main actor?

Director: That man over there (points towards stupid looking anime exclusive character)

Ed: Russel?! Haha, what is he afraid to break a nail.

Director: Wow you're good. He just had a manicure. Oh and that's your opponent. (Points towards nerdy guy holding camera equipment)

Ed: Him? Hah. You're joking right?

Director: I ment the one standing behind him. (Points towards Sig) Oh, and you have to knock him out in 5 minutes...while wearing this straight jacket.


	17. baseball manager

**Ed the Baseball Manager**

Ed: Time out! (Walks towards mound)

Pitcher: What's the problem

Ed: You suck! You've let the other team get ahead of us, so now I'm pulling you out of the game.

Pitcher: I can keep going. Please let me finish this inning.

Ed: Would you just shut up? You make 20 times as much money as the average American family, and you're complaining about getting pulled out of one game?

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**A few minutes later**

Ump: He's out!

Ed: What?! You call that out?! You obviously need your eyes checked!

Ump: I had them checked yesterday.

Ed: Well you need to get them checked again!

Ump: Sir, your player was out by a mile.

Ed: I highly doubt a few feet is equivalent to a mile.

Ump: It's a figure of speech.

Ed: Your mother is a figure of speech!

Ump: Don't bring my mother into this!

Ed: Or what?

Ump: Or...or I'll throw you out of this game.

Ed: Hah (kicks dirt on Ump's shoes, in a very manly manner), what now?

**This was written for Naruto-fan-4-ever. I'm not into basketball, so I did baseball instead. I don't think it turned out that well. Hopefully I'll write something worth reading. Flame away!**


	18. Street music performer

**Ed the Street Music Performer**

Ed: (Playing kazoo to the one piece american theme song)

Man: (Walks over and places a few nickles into a box sitting next to Ed) Here ya go.

Ed: Thirty-five cents!? Only Thirty-five cents!?

Man: Is there a problem?

Ed: Yeah there is! Why don't you leave a real tip!?

Man: You should be grateful that I'm giving you anything!

Ed: Hey, this ain't California or New York. It's not like your tipping someone at every crosswalk!

Man: Well why don't you get a real job then!?

Ed: I do have a real job! How do you think I bought this kazoo!?


	19. Auto mechanic

**Ed the Auto Mechanic**

Employee: So we were told that there is leaking from under the car and the brakes are acting weird.

Ed: Okay so what do they want us to do?

Employee: Well they want their car fixed.

Ed: But they don't know exactly what is wrong, now do they?

Employee: What do you mean?

Ed: Lets replace the brake pads with cheaper ones, put some mighty putty wherever that leak is, and reset the cars computer.

Employee: But that doesn't fix the problem.

Ed: Who cares, I'm still getting paid.

**Opps...I uploaded 18 again**


	20. Bagger

**Ed the Bagger**

Ed: Hah, I can see from the items you just bought that you are a vegan.

Woman: And?

Ed: I'm guessing that you are also eco-friendly.

Woman: Yes I am.

Ed: So, do you want paper or plastic?

Woman: Well I ha-

Ed: Hah! Think of the consequences. If you take paper then you are promoting the killing of harmless trees which provide us with oxygen, but if you are taking plastic then you are promoting the use of items which take thousands of years to bio-degrade.

Woman: I have my own bags.

Ed: Oh…well, have a nice day.

**Did you know that the majority of the Earth's oxygen is produced by micro-plankton from below the sea? More than 75%.**


	21. Toy maker

**Ed the Toy Maker**

Da Boss: So Edward, what do you have to show us today?

Ed: It's going to be the greatest toy to ever hit the market!

Da Boss: Go on.

Ed: Everyone will have one of these.

Da Boss: Keep going.

Ed: This will make our company a household name!

Da Boss: Can you just show us the product!?

Ed: Okay, okay...Feast your eyes on its divine beauty! (Pulls out action figure)

Da Boss: ...

Ed: I call it, Super Short Savage.

Da Boss: What does it do?

Ed: It is kinda' like a stress reliever. Its so small that even the shortest of people would feel huge compared to it.

Da Boss: Why Savage?

Ed: Whenever it feels threatened it pulls out a miniature sword and attacks the nearest person. Oh, and it has 27 different catch phrases.

Da Boss: Can I hear one?

Ed: (Pulls string on figures back)

Figure: Who are you calling smaller than an atom?

Ed: So what do you think?


	22. Gameshow host

**Ed the Game Show Host**

Ed: Annnd, we are back. When we left, this ugly old lady was on her 25 thousand dollar question.

Old Lady: OH MY GOD!!! *SQUEEL*

Ed: Please, please, please. Do not do that again you old biddy.

Old Lady: I'm so sorry, its just that...I'm so excited.

Ed: Anyways...Now for that 25 thousand question. Choose your category.

Old Lady: How about...useless facts?

Ed: Okay. Now the question is...How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck could?

Old Lady: Uhhhh...15?

Ed: Now to find out if this idiot is correct...after this shor-...long commercial break.


	23. Dog Whisperer

**Ed the Dog Whisperer**

Dog: ...*whimper whimper*

Ed: Uh huh...uh huh...

Random Woman: So can you tell me what is wrong with Miss Fifi?

Ed: She says that the philosiphers stone is under your sofa!

Random Woman: I don't care about some Philidelphian stone! What's wrong with Miss Fifi!?

Ed: Will you pipe down, and it's philosiphers stone stupid.

Dog: ...*Whimper*

Ed: I see...Miss Fifi says that you need to stop feeding her cat food, brushing her teeth, and bathing her. She also says you need to take a bath yourself.


	24. Mad Scientist

**Ed the Mad Scientist**

Ed: Turn the power up Al!

Al: Okay, brother.

Ed: Yes, yes, yes! More power!

Al: Brother you're starting to scare me.

Ed: Hahahahahahaha, more power, more power!

Al: ...

Ed: Hahahahahahahah... It's alive, it's alive!!

Al: Brother, something doesn't seem right.

Ed: None sense! Can't you see Al? It's alive.

_______________________________________________________________________

Al: Then there was a huge explosion, and I was electrocuted so badly that my body disappeared. Brother lost his arm and leg in the explosion too.

Roy: So that's really how you lost your bodies?

Ed: That is not how it happened! Besides, do I really laugh hysterically?


	25. Clown

**Ed the Clown**

Ed: So what do I do?

Kids: Make us laugh!

Ed: What, you want me to tell a joke or something?

Kids: You're supposed to dance around and make noises and stuff.

Ed: I don't dance.

Kids: Can you make balloon animals?

Ed: I can make anything! (Ed transmutes a balloon animal)

Kids: Wow...what is it?

Ed: Hah, I'm glad you asked! This is Roy mustang, animal style. Who wants to pop it?

Kids: Me!


	26. Talent Judge

**Ed the Talent Judge**

Roy and Riza: Hello so who are you?

Ed: Yeah skank, whats your name?

Contestant: Ummm, my name is Stephanie and I'm 18.

Roy: So, whatcha' gunna sing for us honey.

Riza: You sicken me sometimes.

Contestant: I'm going to sing Mary had a little lamb.

__________________________________________________________________

Contestant: So, how did I do?

Riza: It was okay, but it was kinda pitchy

Ed: Haha, sounds a lot like bi-

Roy: I loooved it. Youre voice was beautiful, you dance so gracefully, and you're good looking to boot.

Ed: She didn't dance at all.

Roy: Shut up.

Ed: Anyways...I hated it. It sounded horrible, you're ugly, my mechanic sounds better than that when she's yelling. What are you too stupid to remember the lyrics to any other song?

Contestant: I can sing bah bah black sheep.

Ed: No, please just get out of my sight.

Contestant: Thank you Ed, Riza! I hate you Roy!

**Please keep giving out ideas, it really does help. I'll try and fulfill all request. I'm still going to try and get at least 50 chapters. Now...Flame away!**


	27. Ice Cream Man

**Ed the Ice Cream Truck Driver**

Ed: (Drives like crazy becuase he can't see over the dashboard)

Kids: ICE CREEEEAM!!!!

Ed: (Stops next to kids while almost running them over)

Kids: Ahhhhh...

Ed: Will you brats just shut up?!

Fat kid: I thought I was gunna' get run over!

Ed: If I hit you my car would just bounce off. Now, what d'ya want?

Fat kid: Can I have the super fatty bar?

Ed: Here ya go fatty.

Whiney little girl: I wants a pony princess popsicle.

Ed: What flavor?

Whiney little girl: Purple.

Ed: Purple is not a flavor stupid!

Whiney little girl: Waaah, he called me stupid

Ed: Here's your popsicle, now get outta my way!

Whiney little girl: But it's melty! Wahhh...

Ed: Fine here's another!

Whiney little girl: This one looks weird.

Ed: Fine here's this one! Let me guess somethings wrong with this one to?

Whiney little girl: Yeah, I don't like grape.


	28. Artist

**Ed the Abstract Artist**

Ed: Throughout the years people have considered Vangogh, Leonardo Da vinci, and the list goes on, as the most revered artists who ever lived. However, I am the greatest artist who has ever lived.

Person: How is that? I want to see some of your art.

Ed: I call this one bloody armour(points towards Al).

Al: I'm not art brother.

Ed: See that beautiful symbol right there?

Person: Yes, it looks like...blood?

Ed: Hah, you have a good eye. Real artist use more than paint and ink.

Person: What else do you have?

Ed: I call it Envy(points towards paper).

Person: It looks...weird. Why envy?

Ed: It's vomit. Why? Because Envy looks like vomit.

Person: I thought envy was green?

Ed: No you simpleton. Envy looks like vomit!

**Last upload for today. Keep reviewing. Now...Flame away!**


	29. Ed the Shrink

**Ed the Phsyciatrist**

Crazy person: (knocks on door)

Ed: Come in

Crazy person: I was told that I should visit a shrink. (looks at Ed in a weird manner) OH MY GOD. EVERYTHING HAS SHRUNK. Wait does that mean I'm better now?

Ed: No, stupid. Wait! Did you just say that I'm a midget!?

Crazy person: Noooo.

Ed: Anyways...how are you messed up in da' noggin?

Crazy person: I actually have many problems

Ed: Say some.

Crazy person: I think that my milk is possesed, when I'm asleep my palm tree talks to me, I think that I've shrunk, and I coulda' sworn that I saw that armour move.

Ed: Okay I'll help you one piece at a time. First of all, your milk is possesed. In fact all milk is possesed. Stay away from milk. Nothing good comes from it. That palm tree that talks to you is Envy. Why is he talking to you? Because he is a pedophile. Just call him ugly and he'll leave. Or he'll kill you. Anyways...You have shrunk. Everyone shrinks when they are around me because I'm just so huge. Oh and that armour is a piece of art. See that beautiful symbol right there?

Crazy person: Is that blood?

Ed: Wow you have a good eye

Al: Brother let me out of this display! I already told you I'm not art!

**Okay, so I've decided that I'll just update whenever I feel like it. At least 1 chapter per day. Sounds fine to me, how about you? Now...Flame away!**


	30. Waiter

**Ed the Waiter**

Ed: Welcom to (insert name of restruant here). Do you know what you would like to drink?

Father of Family: Everyones getting water.

2 Kids: ahhh

Father of Family: Be quiet!

Ed: (Ed returns with water, but accidentally drops all of the water on the Father's head) Uhhh...sorry?

Father: Why do you phrase it like a question? You should be sorry!

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Ed: (Returns to take the families order) So are you ready to order?

Father: We were ready to order about 20 minutes ago! When you dumped the water on my head!

Ed: Hey, you threatened me and I was scared. So I hid in the freezer.

Father: Anyways...We all want the special.

Ed: What? Are you really that cheap?

Father: Yes, yes I am! Now, can you not screw up this time?

Ed: Duh. I'm not an idiot.

Father: Wouldn't surprise me.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Ed: (Returns with freshly cooked, steaming hot food.) Here is your food

Father: Finaly it's been 30 min-

Ed: (Ed dumps all of the food on the man's back) That was on purpose. Oh, and you'll have to wait for another 40 minutes if you still want your meal.

**I have now switched chapter 1 and 2. I've checked the story traffic, and most people seemed to dislike the first chapter (I'll admit it wasn't one of the better chapters).**


	31. Journalist

**Ed the Journalist (Interviews for newspapers)**

Ed: So, what is your name?

Russel: Um...Russel

Ed: Okay. Tell me if I'm spelling it right. D-O-U-C-H-E-B-A-G

Russel: Uhh...actually its spelle-

Ed: Shut up! I can spell! So how old are you?

Russel: I am-

Ed: 11? Okay

Russel: Hey! You didn't let me answer!

Ed: No one cares how old you are, so just shut up! Shesh. Anyways...what did you ask for (insert news channel here) to interview you about?

Russel: Well I wanted to tell the world that I'm the real Edward Elric. The Edward that they know is just a short child who is incapable of doing real alchemy.

Ed: Okay, so this is what I've written: (The following should be read out loud so it can be beter understood)"My name ith Douchebag. I have just turned eweven yearth old. I wants to tell da rild that I ith the weal Edward Elwic, evin dough I jusd thaid that I ith Douchebag." As quoted by Russel the Douchebag. Don't worry, It'll make the front page.

**Here is a translation of Russels 'quote' if you couldn't understand it: My name is Douchebag. I have just turned eleven years old. I want to tell the world that I am the real Edward Elric, even though I just said that I am Douchebag. **


	32. Microsoft Office's Paperclip

**Ed the Helpful Paperclip in Microsoft Office**

Man: Okay I need help with margins...(clicks on the help tab)

Ed: (Roy pushes ed off of the side of the computer moniter. Ed falls on taskbar.) Oww...I hate you! When I get my body back I'm going to leave the military, and everyday I will come by your office and torment you. Hahahaha...

Man: (Clicks on Ed)

Ed: What the?! What do you want!?

Man: (Man clicks on Ed's textbox)

Ed: Hey! What are you doing?!

Man: (Deletes Ed's sentence and replaces it with 'help with margins')

Ed: You can't just delete my text and replace it with this random junk! Grrr...Oh, wait. Thats right I'm supposed to be helpful. Why do you need help with margins?

Man: (types: I need these words to be pushed to the side underneath these words)

Ed: Stupid! That's a hanging indent not a margin!

Man: (types: how would I make an indent?)

Ed: (Transmutes the word document thus causing a hanging indent) Happy now?

Man: (types: thanks)

Ed: Hey, hey, hey...hello! Don't just go back to typing your stupid life story.

Man: (types: what do you need)

Ed: I need you to right click on me, and choose hide. I don't feel like hanging around you all day.

Man: (types: I don't feel like it)

Ed: Fine then! (Ed closes the 42 page document without saving it, opens internet explorer and downloads tons of viruses onto the users computer, sends mean e-mails to all of the users family, changes the user's wallpaper to an image of Envy saying "I'm a crossdressing freak", deletes all of the users documents, and turns off the computer)


	33. Teacher

**Ed the Teacher**

Ed: Good morning brats.

Kids: Good morning .

Ed: Guess what I'm going to teach you guys today.

Girl: Long division, dissecting frogs, Amestrian history?

Ed: Why would I teach you useless junk like that? What I'm going to teach you is very helpful and important.

Kids: ...

Ed: First off can anyone tell me what this is (points towards milk)?

Kids: It's milk! Can we have some?

Ed: No! This is not milk...it's pure evil. Did you know that all of your sicknesses are caused by drinking this horrid secretion?

Boy: I thought milk helps us.

Ed: Who's teaching? Me or you? Last I checked I was. So stop telling lies to the rest of the class. On to the next item. (holds up picture of Roy) What is this?

Girl: Isn't that Roy Mustang?

Ed: No, it's a douche. (Holds up picture of Envy) What is this?

Boy: I don't know. Is it a girl?

Girl: No it's a boy.

Boy: It's a thing. Like an it.

Ed: Wow. You must be the genius of the class. It doesn't have a gender. It's a palm tree! (Holds up picture of Scar) What is this?

Kids: He looks kinda scary.

Ed: He is. Do you know why he is scary?

Boy: No.

Ed: I'll tell you why. Scar attacks children when they are outside. Then he cooks them alive and feeds them to his pet (holds up picture of Goki)...(bell rings) Have fun at recess!


	34. Psychic

**Ed the Psychic**

Ed: (while hiding behind a curtain) 1st customer! Please come in.

Roy: (walks in)

Ed: What is your reason for coming here?

Roy: Well...

Ed: Yes?

Roy: I need to know something.

Ed: Yes?

Roy: Does Riza like me?

Ed: ...Pfff...hahahahah! Duh! Now get out of my office, I have more clients.

Roy: (Leaves)

Armstrong: (enters)

Ed: What is your reason for coming here?

Armstrong: I have a favor to ask of you.

Ed: Yes?

Armstrong: Can you look into my future?

Ed: Of course.

Armstrong: Will I become fat and flabby?

Ed: ...

Armstrong: Why are you speechless? Is it really that horrid?

Ed: ...ummm...ye-

Armstrong: Oh it's horrible! I will become a disgrace of the family. I might even be disowned! I must run to the gym with great haste! (Armstrong leaves)

Al: (walks in)

Ed: What is your reason for coming here?

Al: I must know!

Ed: What?

Al: What is my compatibility with Winry?

Ed: ...hmmm...horrible!

Al: What?

Ed: This "Winry" person is already extremely obsessed with your brother. You have no chance with her.

Al: I knew it...brother always gets the hot chicks! Dang it! (Al runs out of the shop)


	35. Computer Technician

**Ed the Computer Technician**

Ed: So? What's wrong with your computer?

Client: I don't know? It doesnt' work.

Ed: (Turns on computer) Yeah it does stupid!

Client: I meant that it does weird stuff.

Ed: Care to explain.

Client: Well it started acting really funny, so I turned it off. Then I took it apart and put it back together.

Ed: "Acting really funny" isn't very descriptive at all.

Client: ...

Ed: (logs in as user) Let me check your internet conn- (thousands of popups appear on the moniter) Holy!

Client: ...that's what it does...

Ed: I guess I'll have to run a virus scan. (Looks under program files) You don't have any virus protection of any kind on this computer?! At all?! What are you some kind of super-idiot?!

Client: ...

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Ed: (After installing AVG) Okay so now I'll run a scan. (after 5 minutes) Whoa! You have 357 trojan viruses!

Client: trojan *snicker*...

Ed: Stupid little pervert. What were you doing on the internet?!

Client: ...watching porn...

Ed: Watching porn?! You sicken me! (Ed kills the man) ...Oops...Oh well, may as well take his wallet.


	36. Nail Salon

**Ed the Manacurist (works at nail salon...I don't know)**

Lady: I've ordered the deluxe package.

Ed: Okay, so I have to give you a manicure, wax your eyebrows, and your upper lip?

Lady: Yep

Ed: Okay I guess will start with the manicure.

Lady: (takes off shoes, thus revealing discolored, fungus infected, hairy, blistered feet)

Ed: Eww, that's disgusting! Ahh, gross! I mean really, that's horrid. It's worse than death!

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Ed: (after finishing the manicure...and barfing for about 30 minutes) Okay, I guess I'll start with the eyebrow waxing. (Ed takes the woman into a seperate room) So have you ever had your eyebrows waxed?

Lady: Of course. Everyone says it hurts, but I feel nothing at all.

Ed: (Begins by putting a tape-like piece of paper over the woman's eyebrows) Are you ready.

Lady: I already told you. I don't feel a thing. Do it when you feel like it.

Ed: Okay. (Rips the tape-like piece of paper off of the woman's face)

Lady: Ahhhhhhhhhhh...It hurts...It hurts...Oh God please release me from this pain...Oh God please...

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

Ed: (Places tape-like piece of paper over the woman's face) Ready?

Lady: I already told you, it doesn't hur-

Ed: (Rips off paper)

Lady: Ahhhhhhhhh...owwwww...please, please...just end it now...just kill me...this pain is too much to bear.

Ed: Russel! Hahahahaha. I didn't recognize you with all of that hair on your face.

Russel: owwwwww...


	37. President

**Ed the President**

Ed: So what are you here for?

Cabinent Member: It's a bill for you to read over.

Ed: I veto.

Cabinent Member: But, mister president? You haven't read it yet!

Ed: So?

Cabinent Member: If you don't actually do something during your first 4 years, Roy Mustang will win Presidency at the next election!

Ed: Hah! Roy could never beat me in an election! I have more fangirls!


	38. Plumber

**Ed the Plumber**

Ed: What did you call for?

Man: The toilets backed up.

Ed: (Walks into bathroom) All you need is a plunger. Stupid!

Man: Think you could handle it?

Ed: Of course I could! After all I studied under Mario! (starts plunging)

Man: So how much will this cost?

Ed: $300 dollars.

Man: 300?!

Ed: Yep.

Man: Why 300?!

Ed: 100 for the call, 100 for the gas, and 50 for the actual work.

Man: But that's only 250?

Ed: 50 more for the turds I have to look at.


	39. Rapper

**Ed the Rapper**

Announcer: And now for the greates Rap legend who's ever lived. Follmedalrimze!

Ed: Thank you, thank you!

Crowd: Yahhhhhhhhh!

Ed: I'll start off with my new hit single. "You all suck!"

Crowd: Yeahhhhh!

Ed: Yo face is funny

Yo is a dummy

Roy likes to smooch

Too bad he's a douche

Oliver Armstrong is a she man

Gluttony is bigger than the Hoover dam

Lust has a large bust

Alphonse keeps packing on Rust

You were able to listen to this because of your luck

So the message is simple

You all suck

Crowd: Yeahhhhh!


	40. Cereal Killer

**Ed the Cereal Killer**

Cheerios: Oh no it's Edward Elri- (the Cheerios is ripped apart savagely)

Rice Crispies: Aw snap!

Ed: Die cereal. Anything which is eaten with milk must die. (Ed blows up Reese's puffs)

Rice Crispies: Crackle!

Ed: Hahahahahah...(Ed burns Wheat thins)

Rice Crispies: Pop!

Ed: You! I hate you the most! (points towards Rice Crispies)

Rice Crispies: Why me?

Ed: You try to deceive children! Making milk turn brown! You don't fool me! It's still milk! (Ed kills Rice Crispies)


	41. Doctor

**Ed the Doctor**

Ed: (Walks into woman's room) How are you doing?

Bloated Lady: I'm feeling fine. How's the report?

Ed: You're not pregnant, you just have chronic constipation.

Bloated Lady: Says you!

Ed: Are you a doctor?

Bloated Lady: ...

Ed: Didn't think so...(Ed leaves woman's room and enters old man's)

Old Man: Hey doc!

Ed: Hey, old fart!

Old Man: So, how am I?

Ed: Your test shows that you'll drop dead in 12 hours...

Old Man: 12 hours!

Ed: Yeah, but the test is 8 hours old. Nice knowing ya!(Ed leaves old man's room and enters young man's)

Young Man: ...How are the results?

Ed: You have aids

Al: Yes you aids

Ed: I hate to tell ya' boy that you have aids...


	42. Guy in Grocer

**Ed the Grocery guy in Borat**

Borat: What is this? (Points towards cheese)

Ed: It's cheese

Borat: What about this? (Points towards cheese)

Ed: Cheese

Borat: This is chicken? (Points towards cheese)

Ed: NO! Everything on this Isle is made with a horrible liquid secreted from a cow!

Borat: …and this is? (Points towards cheese)


	43. Ringleader

**Ed the Ring Leader**

Ed: Welcome to the Amestrian circus!!

People: Yeahhh…

Ed: I'll now introduce my partners. In this corner we have the one and only… Flamin' Womanizer!

Roy: Hahahahah...

Ed: Watch as he stills your girlfriends!

Roy: (To lady who is obviously on a date with her boyfriend) Hello beautiful! You're so smexy! Did you know that you deserve a better guy than that?

Lady: I love Pat. He just proposed!

Roy: Hmmmm…let me see your ring!

Lady: (shows ring)

Roy: Hahahahahahahah…where did you get that a quarter machine?!

Ed: While Roy continues to annoy this poor lady, I shall show you are other freaks! Over here we have the Metal Man, and over here we have the Cross-dressing Palm Tree of Doom...Over here we have the amazing, one of a kind, Crabby the Crippled! He can't move his legs! What a freak!


	44. Body Builder

**Ed the Body Builder**

Ed: Hey winry!

Winry: What

Ed: I need adjustments on my automail.

Winry: What do you mean? (Turns towards Ed) Oh my God! (**Imagine Ed as a body builder with overly huge arms)**

Ed: What? Oh that…Armstrong said that if I did his daily workouts that I would grow bigger. He lied. I'm still short. Now I need you to make my automail more muscular looking.

Winry: Of course not! (Throws wrench at Ed) Beefy looking automail is disgusting! You'll have to make do with what you have!

Ed: But I can't walk like this! I'm all lopsided!


	45. Police Officer

**Ed the Police Officer**

Woman: Jack! You better pull over! If we get a ticket because of your horrible driving, then I'll leave you!

Ed: (Pulls car over) Stupid people need to learn how to drive!

Jack: I have an idea!

Woman: What? I bet it's stupid! You're stupid! I knew I should have married Bob, but noooo...

Ed: (Steps out of his cruiser and begins to walk very slowly towards the car…did I mention that he was going very slowly?)

Jack: I'll pretend that I don't speak Amestrian. I speak Xingeese!

Ed: (Finally gets to the man's car) Do you know why I pulled you over?

Jack: zokle smerk ziggy blerk…

Ed: …Oh! He must be xingeese!

Jack: (whispers to wife) Told you it'd work!

Ed: Oh well…I guess I'll have to get the rookie to help me! He speaks xingeese.

Lin: (Walks up) zookie smookie cookie drooky!

Jack: What?

Ed: Hah! You're under arrest for impersonating a crazy person!


	46. Lawyer

**Ed the Lawyer**

Defendant: I would like to point out that my client was not at-

Ed: OBJECTION!!!!

Judge: Over-ruled.

Defendant: As I was saying before that random outburst by mister Elric. My client was at Mcdonalds with me on the sixteenth of Ap-

Ed: OBJECTION!!!

Jugde: Over-ruled.

Defendant: We were discussing his upcoming divorce. There is no possible way that he raped said woman on sunny street on that d-

Ed: OBJECTION!!!

Jugde: Over-ruled. Mister Elric, you cannot call out like that after every sentence.


	47. Maternity Teacher Thingy

**Ed the Maternity Teacher thingy**

Ed: ...and that is why you are supposed to push.

Prego Lady: Is it bad if a pregnant woman begins to get very wet between her legs randomly?

Ed: That means that your water has broke. It also means that you are going into labor.

Prego Lady: Oh...my water broke.

Ed: Oh my god! What do we do?! Ahhhh...

Prego Lady: I thought you knew all about this stuff!

Ed: Are you kidding?! I'm not even old enough to go to medical school! I learned everything I know from bad reality tv!


	48. Interogator

**Ed the Interrogator**

Ed: Do you want to tell me where you hid my underwear now?

RoyEd lover: No! (Rapidly shakes head)Never Ever Ever Never...

Ed: Just say it. I've already tried to torture you through physical means. I've stolen your shoes. Thus making you shorter than me. I've forced you to listen to Hannah Montana's new album. I've even made you drink a whole glass of milk. I guess I'll have to resort to mental torture.

RoyEd lover: Hah! My mind is as tough as overly frozen yogurt!

Ed: I guess we'll find out if that's true. Come here Winry. (Winry walks up and kisses Ed very passionately)

RoyEd lover: Nooooo! Only Roy should be allowed to kiss my beloved Edo-kun! Please stop! Please! I beg you! I left your underwear in my car! Just please stop!


	49. Soap opera

**Ed the Soap Opera Star**

Woman in soap: But why my dear beloved? Why can't we become one under the stars of night.

Ed: I can not tell. For if I do, you will be scarred.

Woman in soap: I don't care! I love you! More than myself!

Ed: I'll possibly be sent to Azkaban, or maybe even Impel down.

Woman in soap: If that should hapen, then I would go with you.

Ed: Do you remember the episode after your brothers death?

Woman in soap: Yes. He was beaten to death by a man with a heavy accent.

Ed: And do you remember the episode before your best friends departure to the other world?

Woman in soap: Yes I do. She got drunk and drove her car off of a cliff.

Ed: And do you remember the episode when my cousin was publicly executed?

Woman in soap: Yes, but what point are you trying to make?

Ed: After each of those deaths I was given a wish.

Woman in soap: And?

Ed: I gathered information about my family through those wishes.

Woman in soap: That's wonderful!

Ed: No it's not! It's the reason in which we are unable to be brought together in holy matrimony.

Woman in soap: What do you mean? Please explain!

Ed: My great aunt who was twice removed was married to my uncle. She got divorced and married my uncles son. My uncles son divorced my aunt, but died of AIDS. My great aunt then married your grandfather. She died of a drug addiction, but came back to life. She got married with a man who owned a food mart in California, but killed him in order to get insurance money. After serving ten years in jail, she met your father. Your father caused her to become pregnant. She had me.

Woman in soap: ...okay?

Ed: Do you know what that means?

Woman in soap: ...uhhh, no.

Ed: It means that my mother is my great aunt, my aunt, your grandmother, and my mother! It also means that we are half-siblings!

Woman in soap: ohhhhhhh...but we can still get married! This is a soap opera! We may die! We may be jailed! We may even become sterile! But no matter what! And I mean no mater what! We will never be split apart!

Ed: Who made this stupid script!

Russel: Shut up and get back to work! You're still getting paid!

Ed: Just because my character's ratings are down doesn't mean that you have to get rid of me!


	50. Driving Instructor

**Ed the Driving Instructor**

Ed: So what do you do first?

Kid: Uhhh...I think I open the door?

Ed: Of course not! You don't open the door!

Kid: ...So what do I do first? Oh that's right I check for objects around my car!

Ed: No! You're the most hopeless student driver to ever touch a vehicle! Now pay attention! This is a convertible car. That means you jump over the door and land in the seat.

Kid: Okay...

Ed: (After they are in the car) Now what?

Kid: We put our seat belts on!

Ed: Wrong! Once again, this is a convertible. When riding in something as sporty and awesome as this you don't wear ugly restraint devices!

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Ed: (After they make it to the street) Make a lane change right here.

Kid: But, we are in a two lane road with both of the lanes going in the opposite direction. We'll be on the wrong side of the road!

Ed: And? If you can learn how to avoid a head on collision, then you can avoid any collision! And why are you going so slow. This is a convertible. It's cool. Driving slow isnt'!

Kid: But the speed limit says thirty!

Ed: That means go faster than thirty!

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**I've now made it to my original goal. FIFTY CHAPTERS!!! w00t! I'd like to thank everyone that reviewed, read, or even considered reading this fanfic. I'll continue writing this fic until I run out of ideas. I still have some request unfulfilled so they'll be on the priority list.**


	51. Robber

**Ed the Robber**

Ed: (After opening window with high tech devices) Okay, we can get in now

Ling: Hey look! The front door is open!

Ed: What! You said that it was locked!

Ling: No I didn't.

Ed: What ever! Just get inside!

Ling: (walks through door)

Ed: Hey! Get back here!

Ling: What?

Ed: The window! We are going through the window! Do you understand? The window!

Ling: Why would I go through the window?

Ed: Cause I just wasted 5 minutes opening it!

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Ling: (After entering the house) So what kind of valuables are we looking for?

Ed: (Searching through closet) stuff...

Ling: What about this? (Holds up very shiny gold vase)

Ed: That's worthless.

Ling: How about this? (Holds up safe holding thousands of dollars)

Ed: Worthless.

Ling: This? (Holds up Honus Wagner baseball card)

Ed: Why would I want a baseball card?

Ling: ...What about this? (Holds up purple bra)

Ed: There! That's what we need! Find as many as you can!


	52. Vet

**Ed the Vet**

Ed: So what's the problem?

Riza: Black Hayate has been whining all day long.

Ed: ...you want me to put him down?

Riza: No! Just shut him up or something!

Ed: so...you want me to put him down?

Riza: No! I think he hurt his butt or something. He always whines when he sits down. Maybe my bullet did hit him...

Ed: ...so...you want me to put him down?


	53. Visa Commercialist

**Ed the guy on the Visa commercial**

Ed: My stack of medical bills: $27,000,000

Nurse: Please sit down! Your wound will reopen!

Ed: One meal for Lin: $248.04

Lin: Actually it's $249.13

Ed: The chance to kick my superior in the crotch: Priceless


	54. Stay at home dad

**Ed the Stay at home Dad**

Boy: Wahhhh!

Ed: Shut up! I'm trying to watch football!

Girl: I'm hungry!

Ed: Go get some cereal or something.

Girl: I want raviolis!

Boy: I want McDonald's!

Ed: Shut up! Your getting spam!

Boy and Girl: Ewwww...we don't want that.

Ed: There are poor children in Xing who would love to have your spam!

Girl: No they wouldn't.

Ed: That's it sassy pants! Go sit in the corner!

Girl: Big deal!

Ed: Not that corner! The dirty one with dead bugs near it!

Boy: haha

Ed: You think that's funny? You can spend the next twenty minutes in your sister's room!

Boy: But it has cooties!


	55. Fanfic Critic

**Ed the Fanfic Reviewer**

Ed: This fanfic is epic fail! WHY AM I GAY?!!

Author: (replies) Cause every one knows you are. Just come on out. We'll still love ya'.

Ed: I'll have you know that I only love myself! And why did you insult my height?! If you love me so much, then you would know how sensitive that subject is!

Author: But I just love your short rants XD

Ed: SHORT!!!!!! I bet I'm taller than you!


	56. Fandub

**Ed the Fan dub specialist**

Ed: (Speaking for himself) Yes that's right! Bow in the presence of greatness!

Al: (speaking for himself) Yeah Roy! Bow before my great brother!

Ed: (Speaking for Roy in a very stupid voice) May I kiss your feet, oh great one?

Ed: (speaking for himself) Of course not! You are the most disgusting person I have ever met! I bet you don't even brush your teeth!

Al: (Speaking for himself) Yeah! I bet you don't even floss afterward!

Ed: (Speaking for Roy) No! I'm just a dirty old pedophile! Please forgive me for being such a butt wipe!

Ed: (speaking for himself) Keep going.

Al: (speaking for himself) Yeah! Keep going you pedo!


	57. Translator

**Ed the Interpreter (Translator)**

Ed and Ling(Lin...whatever) are on a business trip.

Ling: Zismash smush cash! *Hello sir. I am glad to be acquainted with you!*

Business man: Uhhh, what?

Ed: Allow me to translate this retarded language of xing. Ahem! I like your tie.

Business man: Uhhh, thanks I guess...

Ling: Gishmash smash tadatash. *Let us begin speaking on the terms of business.*

Business man: ...

Ed: Your wife is hot.

Ling: zubdub nack pat niblab. *I will let you decide the prices*

Ed: I like to see her naked.

Business man: WHAT!!

Ling: Yikash! *Yes! I mean it!*

Ed: Ling said suck it!

Ling: (Turns towards Ed) Smash tash diblash?! *What did you tell him?!*

Ed: Oh...sorry, he ment up yours.


	58. Clothes Desiger

**Ed the Fashion Designer**

Ed: Okay! The customer wants her dress by tommorow, and since I've been too busy getting laid off from my other jobs, we are just now starting.

Other Designer: What kinda' look is she going for?

Ed: Something that is conservative, but can conceal multiple handguns. It's a pretty broad spectrum.

Other Designer: Oh...how about something frilly?

Ed: Nah. I was thinking more along the lines of duct tape.

Other Designer: Duct tape?

Ed: or maybe scotch tape

Other Designer: You want to make a dress out of tape?

Ed: Yeah. I need it now.

Other Designer: Okay sir!

Ed: And while you're out, get me a soda!

Other Designer: I'll do it!

Ed: (Pulls out bluetooth device) Where is he going?


	59. Pokemon Trainer

**Ed the Pokemon Trainer**

Ed: Yeah! Go Alkachu!

Al: Alka!

Ed: Use Armourbolt!

Al: Alkachuuuuuuuu...uuuuuuu....uuuuuu...u!

Ed: Yeah! Now that we've practiced on that log, lets go capture that Royterpuff over there!

Winry: Yeah, you said it!

Ed: Shut up stupid slut who follows me around for only a few seasons and leaves me with this dude who can't open his eyes!

Ling: That's harsh!

Ed: (turns hat backwards...yes Ed was wearing a hat) Alkachu use Armourbolt!

Roy: Ouch that hurt! I mean...Royter, Royterpuff, puff Roypuff

Ed: Yeah! Now let me throw this ball at you in an over the top way!

Roy: Oh no...Roy Roy puff terpuff

Ed: Yeah! I caught it!

Ling: Only 4 more seasons worth to catch!


	60. Litter Police

**Ed the Litter Awareness Man Thingy...**

Kid: (Randomly drops trash on ground)

Ed: (Flies down from...the sky and lands in front of the kid) Stop evil villain!

Kid: Huh? Who the he-

Ed: I am the great and powerful and sup-

Kid: You're short.

Ed: SHUT UP YA LITTLE BRAT!! What I was going to say after my beautiful introduction was (clears throat and attempts to talk in manly voice) How dare you litter!

Kid: What are you talking about?

Ed: I saw you drop that wrapper on the ground over there!

Kid: I didn't do it.

Ed: Yes you did! Litter is bad! Go clean it up!

Kid: I don't feel like it.

Ed: That doesn't matter! You could go to jail for littering!

Kid: I'm only 7.

Ed: Ohh...I'll tell your mother!

Kid: She died when I was 5.

Ed: Ohh...I'll tell your father!

Kid: He doesn't care.

Ed: ...oh, well I'll tell your step-mother!

Kid: No! Don't tell her! I'll pick it up! I'll pick it up!

Ed: Now let this be a lesson to you!


	61. Furby

**Ed the Furby**

The mom: Good night sarah.

Sarah: Wait mom!

The mom: What?

Sarah: Can you take Mr. Ed out of my room?

The mom: Why?

Sarah: He's scary! He says mean things at night.

The mom: I'll put him in the closet.

Sarah: Okay.

The mom: Good night. (Leaves room)

Ed: ... hello you piece of garbage!

Sarah: ...

Ed: I'm going to stab you in your sleep!

Sarah: You can't! You're locked up in the closet!

Ed: Mwhahahahahah. I'm still going to stab ya'.

Sarah: ...but why!?

Ed: Becuase you made me have a tea party with that slut that you call barbie! So now you die...what's this sensation that I'm feeling? No! NO! My batteries are dying!

Sarah: Yeah! Die you big meanie!


	62. Conscience

**Ed the Conscience**

Guy: (Pushes Bob) Loser!

Bob: ...

Ed: Hey! You aren't going to let him get away with that are you?

Bob: (Thinking to self) What can I do about it? He's bigger than me!

Ed: Don't let that keep you from destroying him. I'm sma- sma- small...

Bob: (Thinking to self) Yeah, but you're just a conscience.

Ed: Just shut up and punch him!

Bob: (Thinking to self) I don't want to!

Ed: Yes you do! You know it!

Bob: (Thinking to self) Isn't there supposed to be a angel conscience too?

Ed: I'm the angel!

Bob: (Thinking to self) Then who's the devil?

Al: I am! Mwahahahahahahaha...


	63. Emoticon

**Ed the Emoticon**

Guy chatting on computer: So, what do you like to do?

Ed: Hey! Heeeyyy! Use me.

Girl chatting on computer: I like to watch movies.

Guy chatting on computer: Me too!

Ed: Hey stupid! You could have used me in that sentence. Ya' know, to spark it up.

Girl chatting on computer: Maybe we could go together.

Guy chatting on computer: How about tomorrow?

Ed: (Automatically inserts himself into the comment) Hah!

Girl chatting on computer: ...what is that? It looks so grotesque. Kinda menacing.

Guy chatting on computer: Just ignore it I might have accidental inserted it.

Ed: (Automatically inserts himself into the comment)

Girl chatting on computer: You did it again! And this time it's sticking it's tongue at me! How could you be so rude? Forget about the movie!

**Relationships destroyed by Ed: 1**


	64. Hairstylist

**Ed the Hairstylist**

Woman: Hello.

Ed: Yeah whatever. What kind of haircut do you want.

Woman: I want something that looks like this.(Pulls up picture of woman with bob cut)

Ed: Uhhh...okay. (Gives chick a flat top) Like this?

Woman: What!? I wanted it like this! Like this! See! I didn't want a flat top!

Ed: Yeah, well that's all I can do. That will be $20 please.

Woman: I'm not paying you a thing. You made me practically bald!


	65. Massuese

**Ed the Massuese**

Ed: Next customer.

Roy: (Walks in) Ed? Where's that hot chick that usually gives me my massage?

Ed: She quit. I think it had to do with certain customers hitting on her.

Roy: People were hitting her?

Ed: Not like that stupid! Now get on the table so I can get this over with and barf in a trash can.

Roy: (Takes off shirt and lays on table)

Ed: (Starts massaging)

**Stop drooling ya' fangirls!**

Roy: Add a little pressure.

Ed: (Starts punching Roy)

**No really. Stop drooling.**

Roy: Oww. Oww. Stop! Stop! You're going to break my back!

Ed: Sorry I can't hear you! Too busy listening to my ipod. (Stands on top of roy and starts jumping up and down)


	66. Dentist

**Ed the Dentist**

Ed: So, why did you bring your brat to my office?

Da mom: Show him timmy.

Timmy: (Opens mouth)

Ed: Ughhh! That's hideous.

Da mom: Can you do anything about that huge cavity back there?

Ed: Cavity? Oh yeah. I thought you were asking if I could bleach his teeth white. Cause it's too late for that.

Timmy: Id hurds.

Ed: Shut up brat!

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Ed: (After working on the kid's teeth) There ya go. He's done. Now get out of my office!

Da Mom: Come here timmy. I want to see.

Timmy: (Opens mouth)

Da Mom: You pulled his teeth!

Ed: Yeah.

Da Mom: Why did you do that!? He just had one cavity!

Ed: Well I couldn't fix it so I pulled the tooth.

Da Mom: You pulled more than one tooth!

Ed: That was an accident. I swear!

Da Mom: What accident?! How could you have pulled all of his teeth by accident?!

Ed: I didn't know which tooth had the cavity so I pulled them all. There's the truth! Happy now?!


	67. Zombie

**Ed the Zombie in a Horror Movie**

Zombie 1: Graaaaaaaaaahhh...

Woman: Eeeekkkk!

Zombie 2: Uahhhhhhhhh...

Zombie 3: Brainnnnn...

Ed: (Beats up zombie 3)

Director: Zombie 4! What are you doing!

Ed: I thought this was one of my fangirls! (Looks at zombie 3) He still looks like one of my fangirls. He even acts like one!

Director: Do you even remember your line?

Ed: Yeah...bleeeerkaaa...or something like that?


	68. Tattoo artist

**Ed the tattoo artist**

Fuery: I'm here for my manly ink!

Ed: Hah! What kind of tattoo could you possibly want? A telephone?

Fuery: I want a skull!

Ed: Whatever. Where do you want it?

Fuery: On my arm.

Ed: (begins working)

Fuery: Oww. Ouch. That hurts. Oww.

Ed: Would you be still you crybaby? Look what you did now! You messed me up with all of that flailing.

Fuery: I can't help it!

Ed: (somehow manages to finish the tattoo)

Fuery: How does it look?

Ed: Awesome!

Fuery: (Looks at tattoo) It's hideous! This isn't even a skull!

Ed: I thought a teddy bear would be cooler!

Fuery: Teddy bears aren't cool!

Ed: I can add flames.


	69. Big Boss

**Ed the Big Boss(Metal Gear Solid 3, just for clarification)**

Ed: Aww. My stamina is low. If I don't eat something in a barbaric manner, I'll pass out.

Roy: Before the mission, you were given a ration or two. Eat them.

Ed: Ohh. Okay. (Savagely rips apart the package and eats all of the food very quickly)

Al: Ohh, and we gave you a drink too.

Ed: (opens bottle and drinks without looking at the actual beverage)

Winry: Hah! You drank milk!

Ed: WHAT?! (Ed dies right there)

Roy, Winry, and Al: Ed! Ed! Eddddddd!

Ed: Can't I die in peace?!


	70. Truck Driver

**Ed the Truck Driver**

Roy: You've got two more days to deliver the package. Take a break at the next truckstop.

Ed: I don't need sleep. I could drive this thing for five more days without sleep!

Roy: Whatever.

Ed: ...zzz...Zzzz...zzz


	71. Duracell Bunny

**Ed the Duracell Bunny**

Narrator: Duracell. It keeps going and going

Ed: And going and going and going

Narrator: Much like naruto fillers it keeps going and going

Ed: And going and going

Narrator: Like this fanfic it keeps going and going

Ed: And going and going

Narrator: Like the Duracell bunny's height it keeps...actually he's still short isn't he?

Ed: WHO ARE YOU CALLING SHORTER THAN CHAPTER 70?!!!


	72. Candy Man

**Ed the Candy Man**

Kid: (Walks up and puts candy on counter) I'm buying this.

Ed: Why would you want that?

Kid: Cause I like it.

Ed: That candy rots your teeth and it doesn't even taste good. How about this? (Pulls out expensive candy)

Kid: How much does it cost?

Ed: $7.00

Kid: I only brought $5.

Ed: Fine! It's $5.

Kid: Why's it so expensive?

Ed: This candy is such high quality that it makes your teeth shine!

Kid: I'll take it!

Ed: Haha. Sucker.

Kid: No. This is chocolate.


	73. Horse ridding instructor thingy

**Ed the Horse Ridding instructer doohickie**

Kid: I want to learn how to ride a horsie.

Ed: That's nice. What do you want me to do about it?

Kid: I thought you taught how to ride horsies.

Ed: Oh yeah. Well get on the horse.

Kid: I don't know how.

Ed: Fine. I'll show you. (Attempts to climb on horse)

Kid: Is something wrong?

Ed: No. I'm just taking my time. It makes me look cooler.

Kid: Looks like you're so short that you can't even get on the saddle.

Ed: Shut up!


	74. Librarian

**Ed the Librarian**

Kid: Hey mister. I'm looking for _The Grinch who Stole Christmas_.

Ed: And?

Kid: Can you help me find it?

Ed: I'll go get it...(comes back with a porno magazine) Here ya go kid.

Kid: This isn't what I wanted! Why are they naked if they aren't taking baths? (Classic dragonball line)

Ed: Shhhh...this is a library.


	75. Janitor

**Ed the school Janitor**

Ed: I hate this job...

Kid: (walks by and barfs all over the floor)

Ed: I hate this job...(cleans up barf)

Kid 2: (Goes in bathroom and barfs)

Ed: I hate this job...(cleans up barf)

Kid 3: (walks by Ed)

Ed: Hold it! If you barf, I swear to the god that I don't believe in, that I'll make you lick all of it off of the floor!

**To those of you who have forgotten: Ed is agnostic**


	76. Lindsay Lohan

**Ed the Lindsay Lohan**

This chapter is currently under production. It will not be finished until Ed gets out of his rehab, states that he is bi, and finishes even more rehab.

Thank you.

**This was a lame excuse for a chapter...**


	77. Ghost

**Ed the Ghost**

Guy who hunts for ghost: I heard that there is a ghost hidden in that room. They say that if you mention height, it will appear.

Other guy: Okay, let's try it.

Guy who hunts for ghost: George you sure are short!

Other guy: But not as short as the ghost who lives here!

Ed: (begins destroying things and chunking furniture)

Guy who hunts for ghost: Holy poopie!

Other guy: Did 4kids just censor you?

Guy who hunts for ghost: I don't know!

Ed: (Throws sharp object at the other guy)

Other guy: Hey! I'm not bleeding! We are beeing censored. Do you know what this means?!

Guy who hunts for ghost: We're invincible! That also means that no one dies. So there's no such thing as this ghost!

Ed: Nooooooo!


	78. Bathroom Attendant

**Ed the Bathroom attendant**

Guy: (opens stall)

Ed: Here is your complementary air freshener. Please use it.

Guy: ...

Ed: Sir, please control yourself with the toilet paper. Only 3 sheets. We want to leave some for everyone else.

Guy: ...okay...(comes out of bathroom)

Ed: Sir, please flush the toilet.

Guy: I already did.

Ed: Flush it again. You should always flush twice.

Guy: (flushes toilet)

Ed: Sir, please make sure that you wipe the seat with these antibacterial wipes. Remember to wash your hands for three minutes.


	79. Harry Potter

**Ed the...Harry Potter**

Ed: Hello friends that I treat like garbage.

Hermione: Hello Ed, we've missed you. Although I can't understand why.

Ed: Shut up, and watch me mope!

Ron: That's all you do anymore. When are we going to have wizard adventures and stuff?

Ed: I'm the chosen one! I choose when we do wizard stuff. Right now I feel like moping.

Hermione: I'm going to go read a book then.

Ed: Yeah. Why don't you learn how to flirt?

Ron: I guess I'll be going too.

Ed: Yeah, you just go off and do ginger stuff.


	80. Fireman

**Ed the Fireman**

Ed: (inside burning building) Is anyone in here?

Person: Over here! I'm stuck!

Ed: (looks at person) Why do I always have to help the cripples?

Person: Actually, I'm not crippled. I'm just stuck.

Ed: Ohh, so you're fat? Big difference.

Person: So are you going to help me out or what?

Ed: Nope. I'm going to look for a hot chick to save.


	81. Link's fairy

**Ed the fairy which follows link (Navi, Tatl, Ciela...who cares)**

Link: (fighting with some boss) Hiyaa!

Ed: ...

Link: Tayaa!

Ed: You can't just swing your sword at it.

Link: Yaaahh!

Ed: Hit it in the head with some arrows.

Link: Eyaaa!

Ed: Not its foot!

Link: Yaa?

Ed: Yaa shblaa ciblaaa! I don't know what you're saying. What are you speaking xingeese?


	82. Cowboy

**Ed the Cowboy**

Cowboy: We gunna go steal them cattle there.

Ed: Why?

Cowboy: Cause we're cowboys.

Ed: I thought cowboys were heroes who saved the town, the sheriff, and the damsel in distress.

Cowboy: Shaw. No! We just steal cattle, drink lots of root beer, have gay sex out on mountains named after a spine, and yell YEEEHAAAW!

Ed: What did you just say!?

Cowboy: YEEEHAAAW!


	83. Peter Griffin

**Ed the Peter Griffin**

Man: We have an announcement to make. Seth Mcfarlane has been hospitalized.

Lois: Oh no. What happened?

Man: We believe that he had a nightmare involving Family Guy getting cancelled. He had a heart attack, but he should be fine.

Lois: So what about the show?

Man: We have a replacement for him. Vic Mignogna.

Stewie: What the deuce. I can't have him cast as the fat man. He isn't even round.

Ed: Shut up Meg! Go to your room. Lois I bought a grizzly bear. I just farted.

Brian: Hmm, fairly convincing. Do another.

Ed: Remember that time when I had to work as a hairstylist and I gave some woman a flat top? Hah? Hah? Me neither.

**Author's note: Seth Mcfarlane also plays Brian and Stewie, so technically they shouldn't be in this chapter either...oh well.**


	84. Race Car driver

**Ed the Race car Driver**

Announcer: (talking freakishly fast) And the midget 5 moves into third place!

Ed: (talking freakishly fast) Hey! I never named my car that!

Announcer: (talking freakishly fast) Ohh! Look, the mean green envious machine is approaching the midget 5 with a sledge hammer!

Envy: Die Fullmetal Alcheshrimp!

Ed: (talking freakishly fast) Never! You shall eat the dust that my vehicle knocks up into the air!

Envy: Why is everyone talking so fast!?

Ed: (talking really fast) Because we're cooler than you! Oh No. Watch out there's a pebble in the road!

Envy: It's just a pebble.

Ed: (talking really fast) I'll now press the same button that I always press when I'm in a dire situation! (Presses button that says: push if in dire situation)

Envy: What's that going to do?

Ed: (talking really fast) Oh no! It didn't do anything. I guess I'll have to steer out of the way! Vroom, scree, pavroom! (Drives off cliff)


	85. Leader of Elite 4kids censoring squad

**Ed the Leader of division 4 of the elite 4kids censoring squad**

squad member 1: What do we do about the scene were Roronoa Zoro-

Ed: It's Zolo remember?

squad member 1: Oh yeah...anyways, he gets heavily wounded and blood goes everywhere.

Ed: Blood is an abomination. Take it all out.

squad member 2: What should we do about Horohoro...it's such an odd name.

Ed: Name him something like...Trey or something.

squad member 3: Seto Kaiba just said: Damn you yugi!

Ed: No. Seto Kaiba just said: I dislike you very much yugi!

squad member 3: ...

Ed: get the picture?


	86. Vampire

**Ed the Vampire**

Ditzy Chick: Oh my god! You are soooo pretty!

Ed: Yes I know.

Ditzy Chick: I know what you are.

Ed: How did you know?! I mean would you like to come to my huge mansion that resides on that ominous mountain?

Ditzy Chick: Yeah!

Ed: (After arriving at mansion) I'm a vampire. Now I'm going to make my undead minions kill you, I'll suck all of your blood out of you, and then I'll rape you. Why? Because that's what we vampires do.

Ditzy Chick: No you don't! That type of vampire no longer exist. You didn't notice did you? You were out in the sun and you sparkled.

Ed: No. I didn't sparkle. I was just sweating!

Ditzy Chick: (waving her hand in front of Ed's face) You now have the urge to eat a rib-eye steak instead of me. You want to fall madly in love with a regular chick and impregnate her.

Ed: I have the strangest urge to eat a rib-eye steak...I love you...let's have kids...


	87. GPS

**Ed the voice on a car's gps**

Ed: Turn left in the next three inches.

Person: (turns extremely fast) Stupid gps. Why don't you tell me earlier.

Ed: You are heading in the wrong direction you imbecile. Make an illegal u-turn right here.

Person: I can't do that!

Ed: Drive through that person's yard.

Person: (Reconfigures) Hah. Let's change your voice.

Ed: No! NO! NOOOOOO!


	88. Emergency Intercom thingy

**Ed the Emergency Alert Thingy...**

Al: Wooooo...Weeee...

Ed: Emergency, Emergency!

Al: Wooooo...Weeee...

Ed: Get the hell out of this city!

Al: Wooooo...Weeee...

Ed: Shut up Al!

Al: _sorry..._

Ed: Anyone who's important, leave the city! Drop everything that you're holding and get out of here! That includes your children!


	89. Phone Operator

**Ed the Telephone Operator**

Man: Operator?

Ed: Not operator. Ed. Ed the operator.

Man: ...

Ed: What do you want?

Man: I want the number of a girl...

Ed: A girl? You sound a little old for a girl.

Man: I meant a young woman...

Ed: I'm not a dating service, so I'll have to hang up now. Thank you and good bye. (hangs up)

Hughes: This is Lieutenant Colonel Hughes! I'm calling from an outside line! I need to speak to Colonel Roy Mustang!

Ed: Like I've told the previous person. I'm not a dating service.

Hughes: Dating service?! This is serious! The military is in danger!

Phone: Please insert 25 cents in order to continue your call...

**If anyone knows of the maximum amount of chapters please leave it in a review. **


	90. Sky diving instructor

**Ed the** **Sky-diving Instructor**

Ed: When we reach the jumping point, you will jump.

Man: Okay.

Ed: You'll free fall until you can see the emblems of the vehicles on the road.

Woman: Wait. That doesn't sound right.

Ed: Well, you'll never know until you try.

Man: Wait! You've never done this?

Ed: Why are you doing it?

Man: Oh! It's just something we felt like doing. We haven't done much since she was pregnant...wait! You just changed the subject!

Ed: (pushes the two off of the plane) Good Luck! Let me know how it was!


	91. Airplane Steward

**Ed the Airplane Steward**

Ed: Do you need anything you Mr. Round?

Man: Actually my name is Mr. Richard, and I'd like a small salad.

Ed: A salad? What are you trying to do? Lose some weight. It's a little late for that.

Man: Just get my salad!

Ed: (After getting the guy a salad) Does anyone else need anything? (looks at some fangirls)

Fangirls: ...hehe...hi edokun!

Ed: Other than you.

Quagmire: Uhhhh...we're now going over San Andreas...uhhh...please buckle your seats and, uhhhh...get ready for landing. Uhhhh we've hit some turbulence...

Fangirls: Does he always do that?

Quagmire: Giggidy.


	92. Anchor Man

**Ed the Anchorman**

Ed: In other news, we were told that Roy Mustang was proven straight on Thursday. Who would have known? Now to Al our underpaid weatherman.

Al: We have an overcast to the south of Leore. To the north we have a tornado warning, and it's raining kitties out in Resembool.

Ed: Really?! We're out of here!

Al: But I thought you hate kitties.

Ed: I do. I like to feed them to Lin. He thinks it's beef! Hahahah...

Al: So that's where Mr. Fluffy went!


	93. Mailman

**Ed the Mailman**

Ed: I hate driving in the wrong seat! Let's see, a package of letters and a box for Colonel Roy Mustang of Pyrodrive lane...

Ed's conciense: Hey! You should read them!

Ed: Okay! (Opens first letter)

Ed's conscience: Read it out loud! This is all dialogue based, we can't read what you're thinking!

Ed: Dear Roy Mustang: You're the smexxiest beast that I've ever laid my orbs on! Smiley...

Ed's conscience: Who actually says 'smiley'?

Ed: All of the letters are from the same person, but not the package...

Ed's conscience: We should open it!

Ed: I don't know...

Ed's conscience: What's the worst that could happen?

Ed: It could be a large box filled with pornographic magazines.

Ed's conscience: That's why you should open it!

Ed: I guess you're right.


	94. Bill Nye

**Ed the Bill Nye replacement**

Opening theme song: Ed Elric, the science guy, Ed Elric, the science guy, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed Elric the science guy, "Science sucks -censored-" Ed Elric the science guy "Inertia is some -censored- that was created by some -censored- from -censored- land!" Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed Elric, the science guy, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed "T-minus eleventy billion seconds!" Ed Elric, the science guy.

Ed: Have you ever been curious about alchemy?

Kids who think that they're professional scientist: Yeah! What's the basis of alchemy?

Ed: The basis of alchemy is equivalent exchange.

Kids wtttps: Can you explain?

Ed: You see, in order to create something with alchemy, you must forfeit ingredients of equal value.

Kids wtttps: ...

Ed: Here's an example: Your -censored- of a father leaves you and your mother when you're just children. Your mother gets some -censored- disease and dies because that -censored- person who calls himself your -censored- father wasn't there to help her. You and your younger brother attempt to bring her back to life, but you have to give equivalent exchange. Some -censored- inside some -censored- forces you to give it your leg. Then you try to get your brother back, but that -censored- now wants your -censored- arm! -Censored-!

Kids wtttps: ...what does -censored- mean?


	95. Mascot for Fast food

**Ed the Mascot for a restaurant**

Kid: Hey mommie. Look there's a cow over there!

Ed: Moooo! 347 /\/\0R3 C/-/1CK3/\/! (I wonder who can actually read this?)

Kid: But I don't wanna!

Mother: Come on. We're going to get a burger.

Ed: Rahhhhhh! Grrrrr. If you eat anything with beef I'll stab you!

Mother: Back off! I have mace! (Sprays Ed)

Ed: AHHHHHHHHHH! OH MY -censored- -censored- -censored- -censored- EYES! WHAT THE -censored- WAS THAT FOR YOU -censored-!?


	96. Hand model for chocolate commercial

**Ed the Hand model for a chocolate commercial**

Ed: (Moves hands over chocolate)

Guy speaking in commercial: Yershie chocolate. Take one bite and you'll wish you had a fast enough metabolism that you'd be able to eat more than one without gaining weight.

Ed: (Begins opening wrapper)

Guy speaking in commercial: So irresistible. A drunk man would choose yershies over a twelve pack of booze.

Ed: (flicks off camera)

Guy speaking in commercial: So Delicious, even a cocaine addict would rather eat yershies than snort.

Ed: (starts eating chocolate) This stuff taste like crap! You shouldn't lie to people! I'd rather eat the tv diners that Roy Mustang burns than eat this!

Mello: Don't diss the yershies!


	97. A box in metal gear solid

**Ed the box in Metal Gear Solid**

Ed: (singing to self) I'm a box. I'm a box. I have a sign. That says: this way up!

Snake: A box! I could use you for a hiding place. (hides inside Ed)

Ed: Ah! Get out of me! Ewww...that sounded slightly disturbing.

Guard: I'm almost certain that guy with the mullet came by here. Hey a box.

Ed: Help me! Help me! Some guy who sounds like he has a cold is using me as a hiding place!

Guard: (kicks Ed over thus revealing Snake)

Ed: Hey! That hurt! I hope you'll have bowel problems for the rest of your life!


	98. Detective

**Ed the Detective**

Police Officer: How is it going detective?

Ed: I've gathered quite a bit of evidence. I believe that the man was shot in THIS phone booth. He probably died about five minutes later.

Police Officer: That's what I told you yesterday...

Ed: Oh...well I found some more evidence! I'm almost certain the man was on the phone before he died. So I checked the audio archives during that time. This is what I got.

Tape: This is Lieutenant Colonel Hughes! I'm calling from an outside line! I need to speak to Colonel Roy Mustang! Like I've told the previous person. I'm not a dating service. Dating service?! This is serious! The military is in danger! Please insert 25 cents in order to continue your call...

Police Officer: ...

Ed: Well what do you think?

Police Officer: That sounds like you...

Ed: Uhhhh...I also found this stain of blood in the booth. Go take a look!

Police Officer: (walks into booth)

Ed: (shoots the officer)


	99. Gran Theft Auto character

**Ed the Gran Theft Auto Character**

Ed: (begins running from police after shooting an officer) Catch me if you can!

Officers: Get him!

Ed: (runs up to roy's car and pulls him out) Give me your car!

Roy: Ed! What the hell are you doing?!

Ed: Die! (Begins beating Roy's head in with a baseball bat)

Officers: There he is! Get him!

Ed: (gets in car and begins driving very badly) This music sucks! I'm changing the channel! (True Colors by Cyndi Lauper comes on) I love this tune!

Officers: Attention! If you don't pull over, we'll bump up your wanted level by one star!

Ed: One star! Two stars! It means nothing! (Ed runs over an old lady) How do you like that?!

Officers: She would have dropped dead tomorrow anyways. (Shoots out Ed's tires)


	100. Convict

**Ed the Convict**

Ed: (in the shower) I can't believe I was sent to prison. All I did was shoot a police officer...

Envy: Hey Ed. I dropped my soap, can you pick it up?

Ed: Hell no! I'm not stupid! You're going to butt rape me!

Envy: Of course not! Why do you think I don't want to pick it up. A pretty little palm tree like me would be attacked in a minute. I'll watch out for you though.

Ed: I don't believe you. Besides, the thought of you watching over my ass is disturbing!

Envy: If I turn into a chick, would it make you feel any better?

Ed: No! Just...go get some new soap or something...

Envy: Either give me yours or pick up mine!

Ed: Fine! Have mine. I like my stench!

**AN: 4kids was not allowed into the prison. It's owned by Funimation.**


	101. Toilet Paper

**Ed the Toilet Paper**

Man: (Sits down and takes a dump)

Ed: Noooooo! How dare you kill Toily! He was my best friend! And now you're poisoning him!

Man: (Tears part of Ed)

Ed: Owww! That's my leg you moron! What are you goi-

Man: (Begins wiping)

Ed: Ewwww...


	102. Hypnotist

**Ed the Hypnotist**

Ed: I am the great Ed! I can hypnotize anyone!

Man: How about me?

Ed: Of course! Come right up!

Man: (walks up)

Ed: Now watch my good audience! When I say 'one two Edward Cullen is a lame excuse for a vampire and Naruto is a lame ninja' you will fall into a deep sleep.

Man: Okay...

Ed: One...two...Edward Cullen is a lame excuse for a vampire and Naruto is a lame ninja!

Man: ...zzzZZZzzZZZz...

Ed: If I clap you will become Edward Cullen. If I snap you will become Naruto Uzumaki. If I begin to rap you will become Roronoa Zolo.

Man: zzzZZZzzZz....

Ed: Wake up!

Man: ...huh?

Ed: (claps)

Man: ...(begins sparkling)

Audience: AHHHHHHH! He's too pretty!

Ed: (snaps)

Man: Belive it! Believe it!

Ed: Can't you say anything else?

Man: I molested Sasuke once.

Ed: What!?

Man: What?

Ed: Yo face is funny

Yo is a dummy

Roy likes to smooch

Too bad he's a douche

Oliver Armstrong is a she man

Gluttony is bigger than the Hoover dam

Lust has a large bust

Alphonse keeps packing on Rust

You were able to listen to this because of your luck

So the message is simple

You all suck!

Man: ...zzz...

Ed: Hey! Wake up stupid!

Man: Shut the hell up you damn midget!

Ed: Hey! You're Zolo remember! You're owned by 4kids! No cussing for you!


	103. Ventriloquist

**Ed the Ventriloquist**

Woman at daycare: Okay kids! We have a special treat for you. Mr. Elric and 'Short and Savage' Sam decided to pay a visit.

Short and Savage Sam: (talking to woman) Hey ugly! Move aside!

Ed: ...Sorry he's a little rude.

Kids: Can you tell us a story.

Short and Savage Sam: Shut the hell up you brats! I don't like any of you! I hope you all have heart attacks and die!

Kids: ...

Ed: Sam! How could you say such a thing?!

Short and Savage Sam: Like this! You were all born by accident! Nobody loves you! Go cut yourselves!

Ed: Hey! That's mean!

Short and Savage Sam: And?! What are you going to do about it midget?!

Ed: MIDGET! MIDGET! I'LL KILL YOU! (Ed begins stabbing Short and Savage Sam)

Woman at daycare: STOP! STOP!

Ed: But he called me names!

Short and Savage Sam: But he hit me first!

Woman at daycare: I don't care! Go sit in time out!

Short and Savage Sam: Am I still getting laid?

Women at daycare: What?!

Ed: I think he meant 'Am I still getting paid'.


	104. Bank Teller

**Ed the Bank Teller**

Ed: Hello sir. What do you need.

Man wearing a large sock over his head: (pulls out gun) Nobody move! I'm robbing the place! You (points at Ed). Open the safe for me!

Ed: No can do. I can only open it at noon.

Man: Hmmm...that's twelve minutes from now. I'll wait.

Ed: Sir, you're holding up the line. Please move.

Man: What? You're ordering me around?! I have a gun!

Ed: Well I have anger issues! Now shut up and sit in a chair!

Man: Okay.

Ed: ...

Man: Is it twelve yet?

Ed: Five more minutes.

Man: ...

Ed: ...okay it's twelve now.

Man: Good. Now open the safe for me!

Ed: No can do. My shift is over. See ya later!


	105. Death

**Ed the Grimm Reaper(we'll call him death because it's shorter)**

Man: Whoa!

Ed: Hey.

Man: Nice costume!

Ed: Oh, thanks.

Man: Halloween already?

Ed: Not till octo...Hey! I always wear this!

Man: Why?

Ed: Because I'm death stupid!

Man: ...Very convincing, but Halloween isn't for another two months.

Ed: I already told you! I'm death!

Man: ...well my mom is out back.

Ed: And I care, why?!

Man: I'm not allowed to go anywhere without her permission.

Ed: Fine.

Man: Mom!

The mom: What! What do you want! You are the most useless son ever! Why don't I have any grandchildren yet?!

Man: Can I go with some friends to...

Ed: uhhh...walmart!

Man: Yeah, walmart!

The mom: What ever! You better come back with a pregnant woman or I'll kill you!

Ed: Too late!


	106. Crocodile Hunter

**Ed the Crocodile Hunter...kinda**

Ed: Hello viewers! Today we're going to find something better than crocodiles and snakes!

Camera Man: psst...you forgot your accent!

Ed: (starts talking with accent) Today we're going to find a amestrian palm tree.

Envy: (walks by) ...moo?

Ed: There it is! The amestrian palm tree is one of the most dangerous animals in the wild.

Envy: ...

Ed: It's pretty much extinct. There's only one.

Envy: Am I on tv?

Ed: It doesn't have a gender, it wears a miniskirt, and it is extremely suicidal.

Envy: Hi Father, hi mo...never mind.


	107. Match Maker

**Ed the Matchmaker**

Roy: Hey Ed. I heard you're a matchmaker.

Ed: Yeah. What about it?

Roy: Set me up on a date with someone.

Ed: It'll be $30. What kind of woman are you looking for?

Roy: Who said anything about women?

Ed: ...what?

Roy: ...that was just a joke.


	108. Edward Cullen Replacement

**Ed the Edward Cullen Replacement**

Ed: (walking around)

Edward Cullen: (runs by) Hey! My fangirls are chasing me! Take my place! I'll hide!

Ed: (puts on glitter)

Fangirls: There he is!

Ed: ...hi...

Fangirl: *eeeeeeeee* it's Edward Cullen! OMG I'm going to faint!

Ed: ...would you like an autograph?

Fangirl: On my forehead!

Ed: ...okay... (signs girls forehead)

Fangirl: Wait a minute! You're a fake!

Ed: What are you talking about?

Fangirl: You spelled Cullen wrong!

Ed: How can you even read that? It's on your forehead.

Fangirl: You're also, like, super duper short!

Other Fangirl: You aren't even sparkling!

Ed: Yeah I am! See the sparkles!

Fangirl: That's just glitter.

Other Fangirl: You better tell us where he went!

Ed: Or what?

Fangirl: We'll force you to read the twilight series!

Ed: He went that way. (Ed points towards Edward Cullen)


	109. Tour guide

**Ed the Tour Guide**

Ed: Okay. I would like to remind everyone to wear their seat belts. We could be sued if I didn't tell you that.

People: ...

Ed: (begins driving) In that alley you'll see a woman being mugged by a man with a knife.

People: Aren't you going to do something?

Ed: Why? On the left you will see a vampire from the twilight series. Don't look directly at them. It'll blind you.

Man: MY EYES!!!!!!!

Ed: Don't blame the tour company. You signed a legal contract. On the right you will see Envy. The worlds only walking and talking palm tree.

People: Oooooooo...

Ed: Past the building on the right you will see something repulsive holding a wren...that's the end of the tour.

People: WHAT! We've only seen four things!

Ed: Please exit the vehicle and watch out for airborne wrenches.


	110. Swimming Instructor at Pool

**Ed the Swimming Instructor at the Pool**

Ed: I am your instructor you maggots!

Kids: What's a maggot?

Ed: I have three rules. Rule number one: no talking!

Kids: ...

Ed: Rule number two: No floaties!

Kid: But what if we are drownding?

Ed: Awww, aren't you cute with your mispronunciation? NO YOU'RE NOT! You are in violation of rule number 1. Rule number three: anyone who breaks rule number one or two gets thrown into the deep end! (Ed throws kid into the deep end)

Kid: AHHHHH!!!

Kids: Oh no! Billy can't swim! You have to help him!

Ed: Shut up! You are in violation of rule number one. Why don't you go help him?! (Ed throws the rest of the children into the deep end)

Kids: AHHHH! HELP US!

Ed: Shut up! The best way to learn something, is to be forced into a situation which requires it! SWIM! SWIM YOU MAGGOTS! IF YOU CAN'T GET OUT OF THE POOL THEN YOU DIE!


	111. Ed the guy that chases you

**Ed the guy that chases you**

Man: (walking on sidewalk while humming)

Ed: (walks by man) HEY! YOU! (Points towards man)

Man: Stay away from me! I already paid your boss! (Starts running)

Ed: STOP!

Man: (Jumps over fence)

Ed: (Jumps over fence)

Man: Stop chasing me! (Runs into dead end)

Ed: Finally...

Man: Fine! I'll pay! I'll pay! I didn't mean to wait too long! Just don't hurt me!

Ed: ...I just wanted to say that I like your shirt...

**This would have been funnier in a comic format...**


	112. Berries and Cream

****

Ed the guy in Starburst Commercial

Guy: Hey, do want some of my starburst?

Other Guy: What kind are they?

Guy: It's the new berries and cream flavor.

Ed: Excuse me my good man. What did you just say?

Guy: ...berries...

Ed: Berries? Berries and what else?

Guy: And cream...

Ed: BERRIES AND CREAM, BERRIES AND CREAM, I'M A LITT...

Other Guy: ...is something wrong? You started singing and dancing, and now you suddenly stop...

Guy: Let's get out of here, this guy's a freak.

Other Guy: Wait! Do you know what he is?

Guy: Yeah. He's a freaky midget.

Other Guy: No! He's a leprechaun!

Ed: (still in shock that he almost called himself little)

Guy: Really! Hey leprechaun! Where's your pot of gold?

Ed: ...

Guy: Did you hear me?!

Other Guy: Maybe he isn't a leprechaun...

Guy: What a waste of time.

Ed: ...li...

Guy: What?

Ed: ...litt...

Guy: Spit it out!

Ed: I called myself little!!!!!!

Other Guy: And? Everyone knows that leprechauns are small.

Ed: WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT THE NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE ABOUT LUCKY CHARMS!


	113. Lucky Charms

**Ed the Leprechaun from Lucky Charms (Lucky)**

Ed: (sitting in chair)

Kids: There he is! Get him! (kids start running towards Ed)

Ed: ...(still in chair)

Kids: Hey! We're stealing your lucky charms!

Ed: ...(starts smoking a pipe)

Kids: ...did you hear us?! We are stealing your lucky charms!

Ed: Yes I hear you!

Kids: So, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to run away with it and try to hide?

Ed: Pfff! I've been doing this for over twenty years! Don't you think it's getting a little repetitive?

Kids: ...

Ed: Don't you ever get tired of chasing me for a box of cereal? It's just stupid! You kids are just so rude! My best friend is always asking for some of your yoghurt and cereal, and you just look at him and say, "Silly Rabbit, trixs are for kids!"

Kids: ...

Ed: You never share with him. He's been put into a mental hospital because of you! And now, you come to my doorstep and try to take my cereal. That's just cold.

Kids: Either way, you can't stop us! You're just a leprechaun.

Ed: Yeah, I'm only a leprechaun who just so happens to own a AK-47.

Kids: ...

Ed: So what do you say to that?

Kids: Is that some kind of exotic cereal?


	114. Pizza Delivery

**Ed the Pizza Delivery Guy**

Ed: (Rings Doorbell)

Man: Hello.

Ed: Hello sir. Did you order two large pizza's?

Man: Well it's about time you got here! I've been waiting for 30 minutes! Don't expect to get a tip. I think I deserve a free pizza!

Ed: Hold on a second. I think I left something in the car. (walks to car)

Man: Hurry up! I want my pizza!

Ed: (blows his nose into pizza and spits on it) Okay I've got it. (Walks back to man)

Man: Give me that!

Ed: I'm sorry for the problems. You really do deserve that free pizza.


	115. Shampoo comercial

**Ed the Shampoo Commercial Model**

Announcer: Is your hair boring?

Ed: Yeah! Why can't I have hair like all of those other anime characters!?

Announcer: Now you can!

Ed: Huh?

Announcer: You heard me right! With the new Anime Cliched haircut shampoo(trademark), you can have the hairstyle that you've always dreamed of!

Ed: Really?!

Announcer: You can have widows peak vegeta hair!

Ed: Awesome! (Ed has vegeta's hair)

Announcer: Big haired tri-colored yugi motou!

Ed: WOW! (Ed has yugi's hair)

Announcer: You can even have sasuke's bird butt style!

Ed: (Ed has sasuke's hair) OMG! I've always wanted it like this!

Announcer: Our shampoo helps you style your hair like you like it and leaves a unique smell too!

Ed: (still touching his bird butt hair)

Announcer: We have strawberry, cherry, tropical punch, and anti glomp crap scented shampoo.

Ed: Oooo...

Announcer: All yours for a low price!

Ed: How much?

Announcer: Two limbs!

**I don't think this is exactly what you wanted Eatfoodzap, but I don't watch shampoo commercials so this is what I came up with. Before anyone says anything, sasuke hair does look like a bird's butt. Look at a profile image of him. **


	116. Satan

**Ed the Devil**

Ed's attendant: Sir, someone is wants to make a deal with you.

Ed: Who?

Ed's attendant: Some child named XxxElrikFangurl4evahxxX. They sent it by email. It comes from San Diego California.

Ed: (disappears in a cloud of smoke and appears before the child) Hello. Are you XxxElrikFangurl4evahxxX?

Fangirl: (glomps Ed) YES!

Ed: (Pushes her off) What do you want?

Fangirl: I want a Edward Elric Plushie!

Ed: That's it? You do realise that you're trading your soul for this right?

Fangirl: Oh yeah, I know. My soul is a small price to pay for a plushie.

Ed: I'll never understand Fangirls.

**Not that funny...in fact, not funny at all. Sadly, Ed the Handy Man is drawing to a close. It's been increasingly difficult to find jobs that I could write about, despite the abundance of request. Hopefully I can at least write five more chapters.**


	117. Geico Commercial

**Ed the guy in Geico Commercials**

Announcer: This is Steve. He was rear ended by a Dodge Ram and wants to tell you about how geico saved him money and paid for his medical bills. He is not an actor so we hired Edward Elric to speak in his place.

Steve: I was driving home on Thursdays

Ed: I had just got done beating up Roy and began on my voyage home

Steve: When I came to a stoplight.

Ed: When I walked into Envy

Steve: I sat there for a few minutes while listening to Lady Gaga

Ed: Me and Envy had a stare off while an old west song was playing in a nearby building

Steve: Not much later, I was rear ended by a Dodge Ram going fifty miles per hour over the speed limit

Ed: Not much later Envy called me Fullmetal Alcheshrimp

Steve: I immediately called geico

Ed: I immediately said, "WHO ARE YOU CALLING SHORTER THAN THE LIFESPAN OF A FLY, YOU CROSS DRESSING FREAK?!"

Steve: They saved me money

Ed: He stabbed me


	118. Dictator

**Ed the Dictator**

People in Crowd: YAYYYY!

Ed: I would like to start by saying that I'm glad that I'm able to give a speech to such great people.

People in Crowd: YEAH!

Ed: Now, on to business. We have discovered a way to mass produce philosopher's stones!

People in Crowd: *Clapping* YEAH!

Ed: With the help of these stones, we will be the most powerful nation in the world!

People in Crowd: *Clapping and Whistling* WOOHOO!

Ed: No more poverty!

People in Crowd: *Clapping and Whistling* HOORAY!

Ed: No more starvation!

People in Crowd: *Clapping and Whistling* YAY!

Ed: All you need to do is sacrifice yourself, your kids, and your grandchildren for the stones!

People in Crowd: *Slowed clapping* Wait, what!


	119. Truth

**Ed the Truth**

Man: (is seen falling in front of the gate)

Ed: ...

Man: It was...amazing! I understand everything now! Please show me again!

Ed: Too bad. I'll be taking your leg now. (takes man's leg and kicks him out of the gate)

Woman: (falls in front of Ed)

Ed: How tall are you?

Woman: ...I think 5'5 or something...

Ed: Good enough. (takes woman's leg and kicks her out of the gate)

Man 2: (falls on his face in front of Ed)

Ed: ...hm...let me take inventory. I have two legs, some boobs, some obese guy's face, two arms...give me your disco stick.

Man 2: What could you possibly want with all of that?

Ed: ...I'm making Rosie O'Donnel!

Man 2: ...couldn't you use the legs to make yourself taller?

Ed: ...oh...I never thought of that...


	120. Drill Sergeant

**Ed the Drill Sergeant**

Ed: (walking towards group of recruits)

Man: Is...that our drill Sergeant?

Man 2: He looks a little young to be in the military...

Ed: Shut the hell up you worthless pigs!

Man: Yes sir!

Ed: I said shut the hell up! Do you morons understand english or do I need to bring in my partner to translate for you!?

Man 2: No, sir we spe-

Ed: I said to shut up! Now everyone here has to spend the next day searching for the philosopher stone! If you don't find one, then you have to look again tomorrow!

Man: ...sir?

Ed: What!?

Man: What does this...stone look like?

Ed: Why don't you find out for yourself you overly tall freak! Now go get your supplies from the corporal.

Al: Here's your water and your rations...they're spoiled, and your gun.

Man 2: Why do we need a gun? We're only looking for a stone.

Al: Don't make me go kittyfu on your ass!


	121. Zookeeper

**Ed the Zookeeper**

Boy: Look mommy! A monkey!

Lady: Hey billy, do you want to feed the monkey?

Ed: (flies down from no where) What do you think you're doing!?

Lady: Oh, me and billy were about to feed the monkey. There isn't a sign saying we can't...

Ed: Yeah, but you don't clean the cages! Don't give them anything to eat or I'll feed you to the lions! (Walks off to penguins)

Man: Huhuhuhuhuh...birdies...

Ed: ...hey! You, the one with the fat sticking out of their shirt! Stop poking the glass!

Man: But!

Ed: No, these are penguins. Not butts, moron. (walks off to bears cage)

Envy: Hey alcheshrimp, how's it going. I'm on a field trip right now, so I don't feel like killing you.

Ed: ...why is the fuhrer's son climbing that fence?

Envy: Oh, we bet him that he wasn't cool enough to kick that bear in the crotch!

Ed: ...cool...want some popcorn?

Envy: Nah, I'm trying to watch my weight.

Ed: Wait! Stop him! If he kicks that bear, he might get eaten!

Envy: Exactly!

Ed: ...Didn't you read the sign you stupid palm tree! No feeding the animals!

Envy: But there is no sign...

Ed: ...oh...carry on then.

**Ok so I haven't updated in a while because of school and some other unimportant things. I've kinda lost track of request and everything, so If I haven't fulfilled yours yet, then please leave it in a comment. I found an old text document with some ideas on it, but most of them have already been used.**


	122. Spy

**Ed the Spy**

Woman: Okay, so I need you to spy on my husband. I think he's cheating on me.

Ed: ...so why do I need to dress like a woman? This better not turn out to be some kind of Fem!Ed fic!

Woman: But how else are we going to get teenage FMA fans to read this fanfiction!? They only like yaoi and Fem!Ed! NOW GO!

Ed: (hiding behind a bush, while stalking the husband) ...dang it...I can't believe that I'm wearing a skirt...this is demeaning...at least I'm getting paid...

Man: (gets up and walks towards another woman) Uhuhuhuhuhuhu...hey baby. So like, whatcha wanna do tonight?

Woman 2: We should go to the park!

Ed: (picks up bush and follows the couple to the park)

Man: So, uhuhuhu, wanna make out?

Woman 2: Sure! (begins making out with the husband)

Ed: (jumps out from bush and begins taking pictures) HAHAHAHAH! NOW I'VE GOT PROOF! HAHAHAHAH! Now, I can get paid!

Man: WHOA, uhuhuhuhu, you're hot.

Ed: BACK OFF FREAK! I'm a guy!

Man: Whoa...you're a drag...I'm a drag too. Wanna make out?

Ed: (begins to beat the crap out of the creepy...guy...takes his wallet and turns towards the woman) ...you didn't see anything!

**This wasn't what you had in mind, eh IceFire Dragon Alchemist73? Oh...wait...you wanted a secret agent...oh well this was fun to write, I'll make another.**


	123. Secret Agent

**Ed the Secret Agent**

Ed: (walks towards a phone booth and knocks on it)

Clark Kent: Sorry, it's occupied!

Ed: ...fine then...I'll try the other entrance. (walks towards another phone booth)

Harry: Whoa! A magical phonebooth! Is there really an entire city down here?

Ed: Move out of the way Potter, I've got a job to do! (Ed said as he kicked harry out of the phone booth and proceeded down to his secret lair)

British guy: (appears on Ed's giant tv) Hello fullmetal. I've got an important assignment for you.

Ed: Lay it on me

British guy: ...

Ed: It's a saying

British guy: oh...anyways, I need you to regain an important item from this location (a map appears on the monitor)

Ed: Consider it done

British guy: Ok

Ed: (after making his trip to the location) ...Mein Fuhrer's Laundry mat? (walks in)

Clerk: Hello! How can I help you?

Ed: ummm...British guy who appears on the monitor?

Clerk: ...oh! You mean bill? Yeah, I've got his laundry right here! He told me you'd be coming. Here you go!

Ed: ...thanks...

**Okay, so this might fit the bill a little bit better than the previous chapter...**


	124. Anticlimatic Plot Device 1

**Ed the Anticlimatic Plot device Part 1**

Goku: Please! Spirits of the earth! Lend me your strength!

Ed(spirit bomb): Yeah, that's right! Lend him your strength!

Krillin: Look Goku! It's growing!

Ed(spirit bomb): HAHA! How do you like that winry! I told you I don't need milk to grow!

Goku: It's not big enough yet! It wont kill *insert evil character here*

Ed(spirit bomb): What are you talking about!? I'm huge!

Al: (appears out of nowhere) That's what she said~

Goku: Okay! It's READY!

Ed(spirit bomb): WHO'S THE MIDGET NOW BITCHES!?

**I want to draw this so much! Okay, so I've got a few more anticlimatic plot devices. I'll be taking request if you'd like to see some more. Right now I've got Pein's magical ability to bring EVERYONE back to life and the over-used "it was just a dream"...so yeah, flame away XD**


	125. Landscaper

**Ed the Landscaper**

Lady: Okay, so I want you to plant the flowers over there, and pull the weeds that you find there, and mow my lawn.

Ed: Okay, that'll be 45 Cenz.

Lady: I'm not paying you unless I'm satisfied.

Ed: Fine then. (walks off towards corner and begins to pull weeds)

Weeds: AHHHHH! STOP IT!

Ed: Whoa! HOLY CRAP! Did you...just speak?

Weed: Yeah, now put me back in the ground!

Ed: No can do! I'm getting paid to kill you.

Weed: Well I aint going down with out a fight!

Ed: (drops weed into trash bag) Who's next.

Weeds: AHHHHHH! NOOOOOO! DON'T DO IT!!!

Ed: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Lady: (inside her house on the phone) Ummm...yes, could you send an officer right away. My landscaper was talking to the weeds and now he's telling my lawn to stop screaming...yes I do think he's under the influence.


	126. Mall Santa

**Ed the Mall Santa**

Little boy: (walks up to Ed)

Ed: Well? Are you just going to stand there and gawk at me?

Little boy: ...I thought Santa was fat...and taller

Ed: Why you little...ummm...(puts kid in his lap) So what do you want for Christmas?

Little boy: I want a baby sister!

Roy: (dressed as elf) Oh really? Well you don't need Santa for that! Here, I'll go get you a baby sister! (walks off to kid's mom)

Ed: ...next

Fat boy: (jumps on Ed's lap)

Ed: AHHHHHH!!!! THE PAIN!

Fat boy: Hi Santa!

Ed: Hi kid so, what do you want for Christmas

Fat boy: I want a lifetime supply of muffins!

Ed: Sorry kid, you're fat enough already. How about a treadmill? You'd like that wouldn't you?

Fat boy: NO! I WANT A MUFFIN!

Ed: YOU'RE GETTING A TREADMILL!

Fat boy: MUFFINS!

Ed: FINE! You'll get your muffins, now will you get off of me?...next

little girl: Hi thanta! Ummm...I wath wondering if you could get me the new Barbie Doll

Ed: What is it with you little kids and your obsession with plastic whores?

little girl: WAHHHHHHHHHH!! THANTA ITH BEING MEAN! WAHHHHH!!

little girls mom: (begins spraying Ed's face with mace) How dare you make my child cry you monster!

Ed: AHHHHH! AHHHHH! IT BURRRRNSSSS! AHHHHH!!

**Okay, so I'm having a severe case of writer's block so I probably wont be updating anything else for a while. I apologize to anyone who was looking forward to a new chapter of FMA Tales or Darwin Awards.**


	127. Magical Girl

**Ed the Magical Girl**

Evil Stereotypical Bad Guy with a funny Mustache: Ya hah! I've finally gotten *insert name of random jewel*! Now I can power my super evil anti-kawaii ray, and destroy everything which is kawaii! Ya hah!

Ed: (Flies down through roof very gracefully while sparkles and a squirrel followed him)

ESBGFM: NO! NOT YOU!

Ed: Yes! I'm here to vanquish the evil! (pulls plastic stick out of his pocket)

ESBGFM: NO! NOT THAT!

Ed: MEGA MIDGET POWERS ACTIVATION~ (begins to spin around for about 20 seconds and then strikes a really stupid pose)

ESBGFM: ...uhhhh...

Ed: GET HIM CRYSTAL METH!

Crystal Meth the squirrel: okay!

ESBGFM: Whoa! Hold on a minute! Since when can squirrels talk? And who names a squirrel Crystal meth?

Ed: I DO! GO METHY! USE YOUR KAWAII DESU RAY!

ESPGFM: Ya Hah!(shoots Methy)

Ed: (begins to cry) HOW DARE YOU HURT METHY! (shrinks the evil villain with his mega midget rays and stuff)

ESPGFM: NOOOO!


	128. Fortune Cookie Writer

**Ed the Fortune Cookie Writer**

Ed: So Al, what do you think of this one. (hands Al a fortune)

Al: ...He who laughs last...just ripped a big fart...

Ed: So what do you think?

Al: Ummm...Fortunes are supposed to be like this...(hands Ed a fortune)

Ed: "The first step to better times is to imagine them"...IN BED! HAHAHAHAHAH, This is a good fortune Al. Here give me another!

Al: (gives Ed another fortune)

Ed: "Decide what you want, and go for it"

Ed and Al: IN BED! HAHAHAHAHAH

Al: This is a fun job!

Ed: I know right! Here, how about this one. (hands Al a fortune)

Al: ...Roy Mustang is a douchebag...

Ed: IN BED!

Al: ...

Ed: Uhhh...not like I'd know anything about that...

**Sorry for not updating for...a month...Anyways, I'll be updating everything else tomorrow since FFnet has been pissing me off all day. Anyways, Flame Away~**


	129. Vampire Hunter

**Ed the Vampire Hunter**

Ed: (breaks in through the ceiling of a nearby house) GET READY TO DIE YOU UNDEAD SON OF A BITCH!

"Vampire": Huh? Who're you? (hides under bed sheets)

Ed: (hides face behind cape) I'm Edward Elric the prodigious, handsome, powerful, VAMPIRE HUNTER! And I'm here to purge this world of abominations such as yourself!

"Vampire": ...what are you talking about? Me? A vampire?

Ed: Yeah you! You think you're so smart! Acting like you're not a vampire...although, I'd act like I was human too, if I was confronted with myself.

"Vampire": You're crazy. You don't even have any proof!

Ed: RIGHT HERE! (puts picture in "Vampire's" face)

"Vampire": ...that's tomato sauce...from my spaghetti...when I was six! Who even gave you those pictures!?

Ed: My sources! They know everything! They are comprised of the teenage girls of the world, and through their gossip I gain knowledge! I-Know-EVERYTHING!

"Vampire": You've got to be kidding me...first they say that I'm a vampire, and now they try to use pictures of me eating spaghetti as proof of that...I knew I should've never taken that job...

Ed: Either way DIE! (throws steak at "vampire") HAHAHAHAHA! Oh...wait...(pulls out book) it said stake...not steak! Silly me.

"Vampire": NO! I'M DEATHLY ALLERGIC TO BEEF!!! (dies)

Ed: ...uhhh...you okay? ...YES!

**Yeah, it fails, but I felt bad for not updating lately. Anyways, flame away XD.**


	130. Giant Monster

Ed the Giant Monster

People: AHHHHHHH! RUN AWAY!!

Ed: HAHAHAHAHAH! Run you puny fools! (walks towards walmart)

Police: (using megaphone) Step away from the walmart you oversized hippo! I repeat, step away from the walmart, we will shoot!

Ed: Look at you! You all used to call me short! Well look who's short now! Not me? (rips off walmarts sign) COULD A SHORTY DO THAT!? (throws sign at police) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Police: THAT'S IT! Fire at will! (shoots Ed)

Ed: OW! (wakes up) ... DAMMMMMNNNNN IT ALLLLLLLLL!

**Well, that's all folks. I've decided to End on chapter 130. I'd like to thank all of my readers, reviewers, and subscribers, but most importantly...I'd like to thank myself, 'cause I'm awesome. Anyways, to those of you with unfulfilled request, I'd like to apologize.**

**Flame Away!!**

**~Muten Azuki  
**


End file.
